From Familiar to Free: Showing Up Fully

The second time I showed up, it felt different before I even arrived.

I walked alongside a stranger who also had a yoga mat in hand, and without hesitation, we moved in the same direction, toward the Lululemon yoga event. There was something unspoken in that moment. No introductions needed. Just alignment. Just movement.

When we got there, the space was fuller than before, but three times the number of people. The same instructor stood at the front, but the energy had shifted. Or maybe it was me.

The first time, I was cautious. Aware. Measuring every movement.

This time, I wasn’t timid.

I was grounded. Centered. Expectant.

I didn’t walk in hoping I would feel confident, I walked in knowing I would.

And that changed everything.

My body responded differently. It wasn’t stiff with hesitation or questioning every pose. It moved with familiarity, with freedom. Not perfection, but trust. I had been here before, and that mattered. Repetition gave me access to a version of myself I didn’t meet the first time.

But what stood out even more was how I showed up beyond the mat.

I spoke to people.

I connected.

I let them know I was writing, that I was capturing this experience, not just for myself, but for something greater. I wasn’t hiding behind uncertainty anymore. I was present, intentional, and open.

And that was growth.

Because this wasn’t just about yoga.

This was about me showing up for myself in real time.

This was about me committing to becoming stronger, not just physically, but mentally, creatively, and personally. I’m pushing myself to be a better writer, to be more disciplined, more expressive, and more honest in how I tell my story.

And even deeper than that, I’m doing this because I know someone is watching.

My daughter.

I want her to see what it looks like to show up fully. To not shrink. To not wait until everything feels perfect or comfortable. I want her to see a woman who is evolving in real time, who is willing to step into spaces, learn, grow, and take up space without apology.

Not just for her, but for anyone who has struggled to show up for themselves.

Because I understand that struggle.

I understand what it feels like to hesitate, to question, to hold back.

But I also understand now that confidence doesn’t come before the action, it comes because of it.

“For the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.” — Proverbs 3:26

That confidence I felt, it wasn’t accidental. It was built. Through repetition. Through trust. Through choosing to return, even when I didn’t have it all figured out.

And this time, I didn’t just participate.

I arrived as myself, fully.

If you’re waiting to feel ready, to feel sure, to feel confident before you move… you’ll keep waiting.

Show up anyway.

That’s where it begins.

From Fear to Trust: Relearning My Body After Healing

In February 2025, I made the decision to have a breast reduction—one of the most significant and long-awaited surgeries I have ever undergone, second only to my C-section. It was not a cosmetic impulse or a light decision. It was a necessary choice rooted in years of physical strain, chronic back pain, neck pain, and the accumulated impact of military service on my body. My breasts had become disproportionately large for my frame, and what I carried physically was affecting me daily.

After doing the research, weighing the risks, and being honest about how much discomfort I had normalized, I finally accepted that this surgery was not about vanity—it was about relief, health, and quality of life. It took courage to move forward, but I did, and the surgery was a success.

The year of healing changed more than my body, it changed how I listen to myself. Physicians recommend a full year for recovery, and I honored that, but what I didn’t realize was that healing would demand more than patience, it would require transformation. That year wasn’t just physical. I pivoted in my career. I slowed down in ways I wasn’t used to. I had to confront what it truly meant to begin again.

Scripture tells us, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid… for the Lord your God goes with you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). I understood courage differently in this season—not as bold action, but as quiet obedience to healing.

My body remembered movement before my mind trusted it, and there was a gap between being healed and feeling whole. So I started where I could. Recumbent biking. Light weightlifting. Small, intentional steps. I wasn’t chasing a specific look or physique. I wasn’t focused on aesthetics. I wanted strength, endurance, and a version of health that felt sustainable.

And still—fear lingered.

No one really prepares you for the mental side of healing, especially after major surgery. There are physical restrictions—you can’t lift, you can’t stretch freely, and you often need help in ways you’re not used to. But what stays with you longer is what it does to your mind. When you’re used to being independent, being limited forces you to see yourself differently.

Add in being a Type 1 diabetic, and healing carries additional weight—wound care, infection prevention, constant awareness. Healing becomes layered: physical, emotional, and mental. And depending on your environment, your support, and your stress levels, those layers either ease or intensify.

At some point, I had to make a decision: give myself grace or stay stuck in frustration.

I chose grace, but that didn’t erase hesitation.

That hesitation exposed something deeper—fear.

And Scripture is clear about fear. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). That didn’t mean fear wouldn’t show up. It meant fear didn’t have authority.

A year later, I stood outside the doors of a lululemon community yoga event in Anchorage, and I hesitated. Not because I couldn’t walk in, but because I wasn’t sure if I trusted my body yet.

That’s the part people don’t talk about.

There’s a difference between being medically cleared and being emotionally ready. There’s a difference between movement being possible and movement feeling safe. Walking into that studio wasn’t about fitness.

It was about rebuilding trust.

The class was called Flow, and what I didn’t realize at the time was that I wasn’t just attending a yoga session—I was stepping into a conversation with my body.

Flow yoga links breath to movement in a continuous, fluid way. Each inhale creates space. Each exhale releases tension. There are no sharp stops, just transitions.

And that mattered more than I expected.

Because my body didn’t need force—it needed permission.

Flow revealed something deeper. This practice is especially grounding for people who carry stress in their bodies, feel disconnected from their physical cues, need movement that supports rather than demands, and are rebuilding trust with themselves. It meets you where you are, not where you think you should be.

And in that space, something shifted in me.

I stopped asking, “Am I doing this right?” and started asking, “Can I stay present in this moment?”

That shift wasn’t just physical—it was spiritual.

Scripture says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5–6). I realized I had been leaning on control, on performance, on pushing through. But God was inviting me into something different—trust.

Flow, for me, became a physical expression of surrender.

Not giving up at all, but giving over!

That experience introduced me to a different kind of strength—not force, not performance, not pushing through, but awareness.

Flow reminded me that healing isn’t linear, readiness isn’t automatic, and strength doesn’t always look like effort. Sometimes, it looks like slowing down, listening, and choosing to begin again anyway.

And biblically, that’s where the real transformation happens. Surrender is not weakness—it’s alignment.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

What I thought was limitation…was actually an invitation.

Living in the Moment: Trusting God When Plans Go Awry

Scripture: Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

In the words of Rakim, "It’s been a long time," and those words resonate with so many of our life experiences. Whether it’s a college reunion, a concert, or a festival, these moments leave lasting memories. Yet, it’s often the unexpected twists that make them unforgettable.

I vividly remember going to Jay-Z concerts without my cellphone. It wasn’t intentional, but it forced me to be present and take in the experience without the distraction of capturing it for later. Then there was the “Made in America” festival, where my homegirl accidentally walked off with my cellphone, leaving me with her backpack—and my diabetes supplies. For three hours, I was completely lost and separated in a sea of people. That moment of helplessness was jarring, but it also underscored how little control we truly have in some situations.

We had no idea at the time that a week later, the mass shooting in Las Vegas would occur, forever changing the way large gatherings felt. That festival became not just a memory but a reminder to cherish every moment and trust God in the uncertainties.

Life often feels like these experiences—unexpected, inconvenient, and sometimes unsettling. Yet, they teach us to lean into God’s presence. Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that while we make plans, it’s the Lord who establishes our steps. Even when plans go awry, God’s hand is guiding us, ensuring we are where we need to be, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

The moments we live, fully present and surrendered to God, are the ones that leave lasting imprints on our hearts. They teach us to let go of control and trust in His divine plan.

Reflection:
Think about a time when your plans were completely derailed. How did you handle the situation, and what did you learn from it? Reflect on how God’s guidance may have shaped the outcome, even if it wasn’t what you initially envisioned.

Prayer:
Heavenly Father, thank You for being my guide in life’s unexpected moments. Teach me to trust You when things don’t go as planned and to live fully in the present. Help me to see Your hand in every detour and to cherish the memories You allow me to create. Thank You for the reminders that You are always in control, even when life feels uncertain. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Challenge:
This week, take a step to be fully present in one moment without distractions. Whether it’s a meal with loved ones, a walk in nature, or a time of worship, resist the urge to document or multitask. Embrace the experience as a gift from God and trust Him with the outcome, no matter how unexpected.

Lessons from the Pandemic: Finding God in the Midst of Chaos

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

No one could have predicted the global upheaval caused by the COVID-19 pandemic. There was no fair warning, no step-by-step guide to navigate the unprecedented challenges, no checklist to prepare us for the sudden waves of change. The entire world, all at once, was shaken.

The places we visited, the routines we followed, the plans we made—everything came with a new level of responsibility to protect ourselves and others. Yet, the pandemic did not just alter our physical movements. It laid bare the vulnerabilities in our personal lives and societies: political opposition, racial injustice, domestic abuse, unemployment, financial instability, overwhelmed healthcare systems, and more.

Before COVID-19, I was living in a state of constant motion, juggling an overwhelming schedule that stretched from 5:00 AM to 10:00 PM. My life was a cycle of doctor appointments, work, family gatherings, and social events. I made it work, but the truth was, I was running on fumes. I was burning out financially, emotionally, and physically. I was in desperate need of a life overhaul but didn’t recognize it until the pandemic forced everything to a halt.

The pandemic brought clarity. It revealed what needed to change in my life and forced me to address areas that I had long ignored. From time management to financial stewardship, from relationships to personal health, COVID-19 became a season of both loss and revelation. It was a reminder that even in the midst of chaos, God is at work, using trials to refine and redirect us.

Reflection:
Think about your own life before and during the pandemic. What has this season revealed to you about your priorities, habits, and relationships? Are there areas in your life where God is calling you to let go of the old and embrace something new? Reflect on how you have seen God’s hand guiding you, even in the hardest moments.

Prayer:
Heavenly Father, thank You for being a constant source of hope and strength during the most challenging seasons of life. I confess that I was often overwhelmed, distracted, and distant from the priorities You set for me. Lord, help me to see the lessons You are teaching me through trials. Grant me wisdom to embrace the changes You desire for my life. Thank You for sustaining me and for using this time to refine my heart. I trust You to guide me forward into a new season of growth and purpose. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Challenge:
Take time this week to evaluate what changes you’ve experienced in the past few years. Write down three things this season has taught you and how you’ve grown through them. Share one of these insights with someone close to you to encourage them in their own journey. Let the lessons of this time fuel your faith and help you walk into God’s purpose for your life.

Cleansing From the Inside Out

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

We clean and maintain so many things in our daily lives—our cars, dishes, homes, and even our teeth. Yet, how often do we pause to think about cleansing the inside of our bodies? What does it mean to truly honor God with the temple He has given us, not just on the outside but from within?

I’ve tried many things to prioritize my health—eating clean foods, cutting out unnecessary carbs, drinking more water, and fasting. These were all good steps, but like many of us, I struggled with consistency. I’d often feel tired or depleted, realizing my body was still crying out for a deeper reset.

That’s when I discovered a new approach: a juice cleanse. This wasn’t just about physical health but about creating a spiritual and physical reboot. As I searched for a solution, God led me to a Christian-based juicing company, ‘Clean Juice.’ Their organic, wholesome juices provided the perfect foundation for a three-day cleanse. It was a chance to restart my commitment to eating better and treating my body as the temple of the Holy Spirit.

The process of cleansing isn’t just physical—it’s deeply spiritual. Just as we detox our bodies to remove harmful substances, we must also cleanse our spirits by removing sin, unhealthy habits, and anything that draws us away from God. It’s an act of surrender, allowing God to purify us so we can be renewed.

Reflection:
Think about the ways you care for the external parts of your life. Do you invest the same effort into maintaining the internal—both physically and spiritually? Are there areas where you need a reset, whether through healthier habits or a renewed focus on God? Take time today to consider what it means to honor God with your body and soul.

Prayer:
Heavenly Father, thank You for creating me in Your image and for giving me the Holy Spirit to dwell within me. Help me to treat my body as the temple You intended it to be. Lord, cleanse me physically, spiritually, and emotionally so that I can better honor You. Strengthen my discipline and guide me in making choices that reflect Your will. Thank You for the tools and resources You provide to help me take care of this temple. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Challenge:
This week, choose one step to cleanse and honor your body as a temple of the Holy Spirit. Whether it’s drinking more water, cutting out processed foods, spending time in prayer and fasting, or letting go of an unhealthy habit, make a commitment to reset. Share your journey with someone and encourage them to join you in pursuing a healthier, God-honoring lifestyle.

Blind Spots: Adjusting to Life’s Changes and Embracing God’s Guidance

Scripture: Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

When you get in your car, one of the first things you probably do before pulling off is sit down, buckle up, check to make sure you’re not leaving without anything you need, and check your mirrors. Basically, you want to make sure you’re good-to-go! From time to time, my hubby takes my car, and he has his settings, and I have mine. It’s a simple push of the button to adjust the seats and side mirrors back into a comfortable position for each of our preferences. The steering wheel and rearview mirror, however, do not adjust on their own (maybe I should upgrade—lol, just kidding). But even with the settings programmed, I still have to move the mirrors around a bit to make sure I can see my blind spots. Sometimes it depends on my posture, what kind of shoes I’m wearing that day, or even if I want to sit lower or raise up; nonetheless, I have to make some adjustments. Every adjustment is different.

Much like in life, we shouldn’t depend on the programmed settings. The events in our lives require multiple adjustments, to say the least.

In recent times, I have become more aware of my blind spots, and I’d like to share how God has been teaching me to make some necessary adjustments.

1. After losing much of everything I owned in the fire, I have become more cognizant of the “material things” I once valued and held important.
Before the fire, I attached so much worth to possessions—clothes, gadgets, and other material things. I thought these items defined my success, happiness, and identity. However, when those things were gone, I quickly realized that none of them could truly fulfill me. This loss helped me adjust my perspective, shifting my focus to what truly matters—God’s love, family, and the priceless gifts that can’t be bought. Now, I’m more intentional about not allowing material possessions to hold power over me. Instead, I seek to store treasures in heaven, where they are everlasting.

2. The relationships I once had have also undergone changes, and this has taught me about the importance of healthy connections.
Like adjusting mirrors, relationships often require fine-tuning. Some relationships, I’ve found, were not as healthy or fulfilling as I had once believed. These relationships might have even distracted me from God’s calling in my life. But God, in His mercy, has shown me the need to make adjustments. I’ve learned to focus on relationships that uplift and support me, ones that align with His purpose for my life. I’ve also become more discerning about where I invest my time and energy, allowing God to guide me toward people who bring joy, encouragement, and accountability.

Reflection:
Take a moment today to reflect on your own life. What areas are you relying on your “programmed settings” instead of making the necessary adjustments that God is calling you to make? Are there material things or relationships that need to be re-evaluated? What “blind spots” might you need to address, and how can you seek God’s guidance for those adjustments?

Prayer:
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your grace and guidance in helping me navigate the changes in my life. I confess that sometimes I rely too much on my own understanding and comfort. Help me to trust You more deeply and to make the necessary adjustments in my life, especially when it comes to my priorities, relationships, and values. Open my eyes to see where I need to realign my focus on You. Thank You for Your faithfulness and for making my path straight. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Challenge:
This week, take a moment to evaluate the areas in your life that may need adjustment. Ask God to reveal any “blind spots” that you need to address. Whether it’s adjusting your priorities, relationships, or outlook on material things, take steps to align your life with His will. Share this process with someone you trust, and encourage them to reflect on how they can adjust their life to be more in tune with God’s perfect plan.

There is No Such Thing as Luck, Only Blessings from God

Scripture: James 1:17 (NIV)

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

In life, we often hear the word "luck" tossed around—especially when things go our way or when something unexpected happens. It’s easy to attribute good fortune to a stroke of luck or chance. But as believers, we know that there is no such thing as luck. Instead, we recognize that everything good in our lives is a blessing from God.

The idea of luck suggests that events happen randomly or by chance. It implies that life is a series of coincidences, without any purpose or divine involvement. But Scripture reminds us that there is no randomness in God’s plan. Every detail of our lives, from the mundane to the extraordinary, is under His sovereign control.

James 1:17 tells us, “Every good and perfect gift is from above.” This verse anchors our understanding in the truth that all blessings—whether big or small—come directly from God. Our health, our relationships, our talents, our opportunities—each of these is a gift from our Father in Heaven. They are not the result of mere luck but of God's love, wisdom, and provision.

God is not a distant observer of our lives; He is intricately involved in every moment, shaping our paths with purpose and grace. When we receive blessings, whether they come in the form of answered prayers, moments of peace, or unexpected joy, it is important to acknowledge them as God's hand at work.

Reflection: Take a moment today to reflect on the blessings you have received, both seen and unseen. How often do you attribute good things to luck, without recognizing God’s provision? Reflect on the truth that each moment of joy, each opportunity, and each relationship is a result of God’s blessings.

Prayer: Heavenly Father, thank You for the countless blessings You pour into my life. Forgive me for the times I’ve mistaken Your gifts for luck or chance. Help me to see Your hand in every good thing and to recognize that all blessings come from You. I trust in Your sovereignty and thank You for guiding my steps. May I always be mindful of Your love and provision, acknowledging that I am blessed beyond measure because of You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Challenge: Today, take time to thank God for the blessings in your life. Whether it's the gift of family, a job, good health, or even moments of peace amidst challenges—acknowledge that these are not random, but are evidence of God’s grace. Share this perspective with someone else and remind them that there is no such thing as luck, only blessings from God.

Beauty for Ashes

As I pulled into the parking lot of my daughter’s school one cold January day, my cellphone was ringing—it was my husband—“Babe we got MacDill!” (one of our most highly sought after military installations to become stationed at). I could not believe it! This was “the base” of military bases to be assigned to; mainly because of the sun, bustling city of Tampa with its’ grand population of north-easterners (much like ourselves), amusement parks, powdery beaches, amazing culture and food; there was no doubt we were excited to call this place home in the months to come.

The wait was nerve wrecking leading up to the move, but nonetheless, we were game. Not even the slightest of disappointment could phase me at that point. I was moving to Florida boo! I’m all the way good, and no negativity was about to knock me off my natural high.

Thoughts of swimming after a long day, eating authentic Latino and Caribbean food, going on roller coasters, taking pictures with Mickey Mouse, driving to Miami, you name it; it all flooded my mind as I daydreamed day after day.

Even when I lived in other states across the nation, I always found the good in it. The adventure. Sadly, I’m not particularly sure why I struggled to experience “fun” in New Jersey, but it just didn’t hit all of the boxes for me. And, don’t get me wrong, New York and Philadelphia were both a hop-skip-jump away, but the state itself fell short on my list of excitement. What more can I say other than I’m extremely thankful for snow-days and the local farmers market.

So the day finally arrived. We were outta here! The packers came and packed our three bedroom home up in a day and a half. It was so odd that at some point that house felt pretty big, but now it felt more less like a tightly cramped closet. The moving truck was massive, cutting off traffic onto our street, and the movers hustled the huge crates and boxes onto the semitrailer. I practically didn’t look back at the house other than to show my daughter the cherry blossom tree that we think a bird planted by the water fountain I staged years prior when we first moved in; it had grown into a healthy 10 feet or taller tree by now. My daughter really had no other connection to the house, but she waved goodbye and that was that.

After 4 long gray winters in New Jersey, this was the breakthrough we know God had His hands all over. And, shortly after our arrival, Florida did not disappoint! It felt exactly like what it looked like in the magazines; sunny, sandy, blue skies, bright smiles, just an overall glow covers this area and it is amazing. The temperatures were just right, even though the locals warned us of the daily 5 o’clock rain (the hurricane season is upon us now) and increasing temps in the late summer; my family and I took to the culture easily. I’m not sure if it was the weather or how happy my family had become almost immediately upon arriving here, but my spirit was full.

We stayed in temporary lodging facility (TLF) for about 2 weeks. Now that part I was not a fan of, but it was temporary, and every single day I drove from city to city in search of a rental property that I found adequate enough to house all of our household goods, and that had a good-great school district for my daughter. Unfortunately, with such a high demand to be at MacDill AFB, and the increasing amount of newly stationed military members arriving throughout the summer, the housing waitlist was at an 11 month wait. There was absolutely no time to waste.

Everything we loved seem to fall through, and the mediocre properties were pending with other potential renters. I was over the idea of renting. The discouragement was beginning to set in, and my patience was running thin. I was doing a majority of the house hunting alone, but for good reason. My husband was busy getting back into the swing of things at his new office and in processing. This was the part of the balancing act that most military spouses do, that often get overlooked, but we play an integral part of the process as well.

Thankfully I abandoned the “house” renting idea, and switched to the apartment living concept for the sake of my sanity. Due to the horrific traffic (oh and it is just that, awful!), I branched only 5 miles away from base, and there you have it….we found a place.

There was an awesome move-in special and it was near restaurants I loved, what more to ask for! Basically the amenities sold me, and it was perfect for my husband’s commute and for me to find potential employment. With an 11 month wait to get base housing, this seemed to be the right choice—especially with our home goods on the way to be delivered soon.

May 4th, 2018. The day before the celebratory “Cinco de Mayo”was our delivery date. Dispatch had contacted us about the delivery of our home goods, and we had plans to spend the weekend unpacking and organizing to store a good portion of our belongings in a storage unit. My husband rented the U-Haul truck, and we patiently waited to see if the semitrailer was arriving. The two hour window of 10am-12pm came and went. We called dispatch and received no answer. This was highly unusual considering that the woman who handled all of the logistics was very responsive.

In my pondering, I was bored and tired of waiting so I decided to call my father. We talked about blessings and patience, and how we were thankful that we were closer in proximity now that we moved to Florida. The apartment was quite empty and echoed with every word we said. In the kitchen, I could hear my husband’s phone ringing and him starting a conversation. I ignored it because I was still in the middle of my conversation with my dad. Then I was interrupted by news that would change my perspective on life forever.

“Jenn I need to talk to you, it’s important”, my husband said to me through the halfway open door. I immediately got off the phone and asked him what was going on, and the look on his face was like nothing I have seen on him before. He then explained to me that the truck that was carrying all of our household goods had been involved in an accident and caught on fire. Nothing was salvageable and there was no police report. Just like that, all of a dream became dark. The sun was out but the clouds seemed to have rolled in quickly. Visions of all of my possessions, including my husbands and daughters possessions, going up in flames was playing over-and-over in my mind. All I could imagine was flames and heat consuming my life’s accomplishments and keepsakes. Nothing short of bad movie that I could not stop playing.

To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. Not for nothing, I distinctively knew my sadness had a place, but this was not the time to exercise those feelings. I also knew that I should not covet, and to do so is not what God wants for me to do. I literally was placed in the position to let things go without my permission. There was no sorting through my things, picking out what I wanted and did not want to keep. It was gone in a matter of minutes. The very thought of not seeing familiar pictures and holding my childhood memories was now my new reality.

The weeks went by. We were practically in regrouping mode. Everything that was lost was now a distant memory. A good friend suggested we setup a contribution pool, similar to Go Fund Me, so that we could quickly recoup the necessities. That was extremely helpful and allowed us to get back on our feet after the loss. All-in-all, it still felt surreal. The clutter that I once complained about, the toys that we in the way as I walked through the living room, the maternity photos that were in my daughter’s bathroom, the CDs I collected from my adolescence, and the yearbooks with well wishes were now minuscule in comparison to life itself.

Thankfully the driver was unharmed during the accident, and so were my family and I. We were not in the vehicle, only our belongings. The perspective that I prayed to view this from was to take on the incident, manifest the positive aspects of it, and in spite of all of the tings that were lost, those “things” were just that...things. Without any doubt I know God was control, and our resilience fueled our faith in Him more now than ever before. There’s something about being stripped of everything that is sobering and leaves you vulnerable. That enabled us, and it allowed us to see the situation from a different scope. Isaiah 61:3 (NLT) reads:

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give you a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.”

Nothing Satan tried could break that promise that God made to us (all of us), because of all the “things” the world has to offer, God will always supplement and give us more than what we deserve. He most definitely was my strength and my salvation during and after the storm. And, in no time during that storm did I ask Him to get rid of the storm. In fact, I asked for Him to walk me through it. I’m imperfect in many ways, and this has never happened to me but I knew he’d be my comfort when I felt all was hopeless.

When I reflect on the circumstance, it was a revelation of sorts for my family and I. Only can God take anyone from losing everything, to being in a state of thanksgiving. From what I thought was the “good” part of my life, to preparing me for what is very likely to be the “best” part of my life. The blessings are flowing, and they are coming in so many different forms that I cannot help but be thankful to God and those He has used to bless us as well.

Throughout this process I have been open to sharing my testimony (my story), taking my time to come back to my brand, blog, and give you all the honest story of how my life has been shaped as of late. I completely took a step back to let go of the fear of reliving the loss publicly, but the secretiveness was not what was intended for my story, it is the part of me that cannot be undone, and that I am forever thankful for.

I will continue to share my story with you, and thank you for your support and for being patient with me. 

Blessings! 

-Jenn

Two Years Without Facebook: Why I Did It

There was no great “ah hah” moment the day I said, “you know what?...I’m deleting my Facebook account!”. I did know one thing however, it was a major distraction and personal letdown.

I with only a few months left as an undergrad student, I worked fulltime for the government, commuted every day—2 hours or more, mother and wife; life was jam-packed with things to balance. I would arrive home, heat up some food, play with my baby girl, simultaneously flip through the channels, chit-chat with my hubby, text message occasionally, and most certainly checking my timeline on Facebook to see how crazy everyone else’s life is too.

Nothing about Facebook necessarily brought me joy, per se. It was only a means of checking in, so I thought. Seeing what everyone else was doing in their early 30’s; maybe to confirm or deny that I was doing something cool in life, or that I was on the right track. The occasional late night DM in my inbox would pop up, I would quickly delete and block, and my block list grew larger and larger. As a married woman I could only grow more uncomfortable as the same would happen to husband. Family members would gush about my family pictures, natural hair posts, career moves, and accomplishments; I even made my grandmother an account to keep her in the loop. In the middle of the day I would post how tired I was at work, post subliminal messages about people I could not stand (yes I fell into the pettiness once upon a time), secretly hated on  dreamy vacations pics, and drove myself half-crazy looking at ex-boyfriends’ pics and their new lives without me in it.

What was really going on here? How did the “old” Facebook go from needing a college email address to register and saying “hey check out my pics!” ,to everyone and their mama (literally) joining say “hey look at my open diary!”? It all seemed to be that my personal life was already full, but I found myselfmaking room for this “pet” of sorts. I gave it more attention than I did my bi-weekly manicure or deep conditioning treatment regimen. It was almost as if I had to feed it, bath it, groom it, clothe it…my profile was constantly changing, my pictures were being posted throughout the day, my “friend” count grew past 4k—and still I was not satisfied.

As a fulltime student, working towards a business administration degree online, I would post a status of my unaccomplished work rather than working on a 12 page APA format paper due in a few hours or so; and still check back in to see how many “likes” I received to validate my despair. Ugh. What a vicious cycle I was running. Even over date nights, after posting pictures of my beautifully plated meal and a quick selfie of my makeup being on fleek, I would gaze at my husband sitting there scrolling through his timeline as well, liking the very pictures that I just posted! What the hell was really happening here?

So here it goes, the truth—I was silently validating myself through Facebook. All of these 4k friends had full access to the life I wanted them to see. Truth was, no one knew about the arguments that had spewed from those inappropriate late night inbox messages from long lost exes, insecurities about my husband’s exes, envy and jealousy behind the trips I had not taken, wishes of having a child (which at the time my hubby and I were struggling to conceive for 6 six years), angry about the opinions people would post, confused about the relationships forged and portrayed, the list runs on and on. The nitty gritty truth was, I was giving life to nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of these things made my world go-round. That is when it hit me, this was not life at all, and it was a grand perception and front for what we all want our lives to look like.

So on January 12, 2015 I deleted my Facebook account, and never looked back. The date was never significant, I just could not stand to keep doing the same thing and expecting to see new results—that is insanity, right?

Literally, for the first 2 days I felt like I was on a fast. My mind was racing as I got ready for work the next day, not whipping out my iPhone to take a selfie in the car, in my most fabulous outfit that I once would have thought the entire world should see me in. As I pulled off in my car, and made my way to work, no longer did I have the luxury of posting how I was counting down the hours to go home with a cute meme to match. It was just me and my life, no one had a clue what I was embarking on, but I knew things would become more refreshing and true to thewoman I was striving to become, not just pretend to look like.

After a week, I was at ease, my anxiety to check my timeline had almost went away entirely. I knew when popular television shows would come on I would miss the blow-by-blow spoiler alerts, but I was okay with that. Instead, I curled up next to the man of my dreams and baby girl and watched it, in real time, without even glancing at my phone. My husband then decided to cut off his Facebook as well, and things got interesting. He and I were actually having conversations again about things that we did not see on our timelines. Instead of comparing what-with-what, we were making plans to go over our couples devotional, together! What I had not done before, which perhaps I could have, was look at my life and marvel at it. I was truly blessed. Everything that I had asked God for was granted to me, and the life that I wanted, I was living.

The facts were, I was capable of living my life out loud, but truthfully, it did not work with my personal and family dynamic. There was no quick hack for appreciating what I had, but once I purged Facebook from my life, things looked up and since then I have graduated—now in graduate school, I shed those pesky post pregnancy pounds, I no longer commute and work at my old job so I spend tons of free time with my daughter, and that spark has ignited into a flame between hubby and I, friendships and relationships are more organic and true, and that vacation we so desperately needed…we went to Mexico for 5 days! My bottom line was simple, I do not mind if my life does not “look” as colorful as others’, black and white is good enough for me, and apparently great for my life! One small area of change shifted. The distraction and letdown in my life into a clearer and more focused me, and the benefits from it were life changing.

Since, I have restored my Facebook account, all has been good. I’ve certainly made some changes, and I communicate less on Facebook than I do my Instagram account (a personal choice); but I have also given less care to what I once gave power to.

What is your personal experience with social media and has it affected your lifestyle?

I’d love to hear about your experiences.

Stay blessed! 

-Jenn

Self-Worth

I’ve had my fair share of self-worth evaluations, maybe more than I should have, but all in good faith I’m a deep thinker and I can get carried away with my own thoughts of what I think my life should be. Unfortunately for many of us pain, trauma, etc. are buried deep down underneath the surface and linger longer than they should. For me, I came up with an ingenious idea, I wasn’t going to address any of those burdensome thoughts (worst idea ever by the way). The way I pictured it was if I avoided digging deep into those cobwebs I’d be able to get through on my own, and that was the furthest thing from the truth.

Problemo numero uno, a lot of my self-worth was conditional upon achieving, recognition, unrealistic expectations,  and being way too hard on myself (does any of this sound familiar? If so STOP doing that!). Insecurities that were never tackled as a youth were expressing themselves in other ways as I grew as an adult, and that was not going to blend very well with learning how to manage a chronic disease.

Without warning, I fell ill. Within a month or two I had lost drastic weight, almost 20lbs. I suffered from extreme thirst, and was not feeling like myself. After repeat hospital visits to the emergency room, I was soon diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (I’m giving you the very short version for now). It was one of, if not the, most earth shattering day[s] of my life. I was going to be medically discharged from the military shortly after, and little did I know, I would fall into some serious depression.

Timing could not have been worse. I was handed a paper bag with my new diabetes medication and a referral slip to see an endocrinologist (an endo-what?!). Just like that, I was officially a Type 1 Diabetic at the tender age of 22. What was happening was completely out of control and I had to get my health under control and fast! I couldn’t wait for some miraculous event to happen in my life to cheer me up and give me life. I couldn’t place that weight on anyone else’s shoulders. This one was on me; and for all of those fast years of reckless abandonment, I needed God more than ever—my Savior.

Now at the time, it felt like the sky was falling right on top of my head. I was blessed to have the support of my husband who worked hard with my endocrinologist and dietitian to help me stick to a regimen that would get me back on track; but I was stubborn and extremely difficult to work with. I was flat out angry and felt so damn sorry for myself. Coping skills were nonexistent, and I earned myself the biggest crybaby award. Remember when I told you about those “things” buried deep down inside, well those “things” were coming up to the surface without any regard as to who or what was in the way.

One of the most difficult lessons that I had to learn was to disregard my expectations of what I believed my life was to become. Clearly life had something else in mind for me, and that was okay, I just had to get in line.

Not that I had to submit to my new diagnosis, it was humbling, and God was reshaping me from within a way unlike what I had in mind.

With each prick of the finger, multiple daily injections of insulin, and learning how to be a mathematician in order to eat; I began to see what God had for me in all of this despite my condition. My relationships with several people changed. The way in which I ate had to change for the rest of my life, especially if I had any plans on living a long life. I can go on and on about the multiple lifestyle changes that developed over the years, but without the recognition of what was lacking in my life (God), I truly believe I would have sunken into a darker place.

I was encouraged to write this for that person who hasn’t gotten that diagnosis or devastating news and is blindly living their life without God’s guidance. Don’t waste another minute of your life handicapping yourself by not addressing what is buried within, they are there for a reason and have a place. Those things that hurt you, concern you, change you...whatever “that” is, it is going to reveal itself one day. What I don’t want for you, is to have those things erupt without being on your terms. You may not be able to control the inevitable, but you can control what defines your self-worth.

In my case, I’m not particularly sure if my hard-headed self would have learned this any other way, but it’s no coincidence what God has done. All of those years spent omitting Him just to do as I please, shaping my resume instead of my spirituality, hitting the scene; I’m blessed I was able to see the day I was diagnosed, let alone today. You see, if God had not slowed me down, humbled me, and reveal to me the good bad and ugly, I’m absolutely sure I would be far more disappointed with my life. So no, I wouldn’t honestly change a thing.

I still have Type 1 Diabetes and I’m fine with that, it doesn’t have me (cliche but true). Yes some days are better than others, but that talk about trusting God to handle it all—yeah that really works. The more you work those spiritual muscles, what seems like the end of the world, will instead feel more weightless as trials come. And they will come.

God handles all things effortlessly, let Him do as such, no need to complicate things. Your self-worth is a beautiful reflection of what He made you to be, not by what happens to you.

Be Blessed!

-Jenn

Finding Clarity In the Midst of Confusion

Happy New Year to ALL, and I pray that you entered this 2018 with a new outlook on life and can achieve your goals (new or old)! I know there’s a lot of downplay about the “New Year new me” attitude that’s made for the new year, but if you feel a need for change, I say go for it! No need in holding back your growth in any way shape or form because it’s not popular. Change is inevitable and necessary…so do you unapologetically.

In recent days my 2018 has been off to a great start. I’m pacing myself more carefully. Carving out more time to enjoy my family and friends. Although I could make more time to hit the gym, but besides that, the things I prayed for are certainly coming to pass, which I’m eternally thankful for.

Earlier this week I was visited by stranger at work who is in his early 60’s and was in need of some assistance. Unfortunately the day that he arrived, we were unable to complete the necessary steps due to websites being down; so I asked him to come in the following day. Before he left, we spoke for at least an hour and I gave him more information about what we would be accomplishing the next time he came in and what I needed for him to provide me to better assist him.

He was grateful, and somehow we ended up discussing Christianity and what God has in store for us; the promise. The conversation was fluid, and I appreciated having God bless me with meeting him; he concurred.

Side note: It’s always amazing to me when you can really chop it up with someone who has a relationship with God. In my opinion it feels like I’m talking to a brother or sister. It’s like we know about a secret no one else knows about. The space in which we speak seems to develop its own energy. It just feels right and pleasing to God. All parties involved in this place of “energy” know the power behind the words and what it means to be able to confidently speak about His promises to us, and it’s an overall spiritually uplifting experience.  

Now, for privacy’s sake, I’ll name this gentleman “The Poet”. It suits him well and you’ll later find out why.

So the following day, The Poet came in as expected. As he carried his tethered 3-ring binder with hundreds of self-written copyrighted poems cased in plastic protector sleeves, I knew immediately he was serious about writing. Who knew?

He later began to explain to me that he would wake up in the middle of the night to jot down small lines, words, and phrases that came to him. He also expressed that he wasn’t sure why he was sharing any of this intimate information with me at all; other than having met me the day prior—he said I reminded him of Kerry Washington (now those were his words not mine…either way I’m flattered!).

The first poem that he invited me to read was printed over the opaque picture of a beautiful bright-eyed young lady. She was pictured holding a video game remote control, and had a huge smile. She couldn’t have been a day over 20 years of age in the photograph. In turquois blue lettering centered throughout the sheet was a poem. It was highlighting her short lived life, and how the Lord is there to comfort those who lost her too soon to a tragic gun related accident. She was young. The story he told me about her was heartbreaking. His poem was relieving and beautiful. No amount of words could take the pain away from the family who experienced this tragedy, but he said he was inspired by their pain to comfort them in some way and that this was what God delivered him to do.

Now at the time, he felt that it was not enough. This young lady that was taken was like a niece to him and his wife. There was now a void there that had to be filled, and he kept hearing God instruct him to write—pour his pain and the remedy of God’s love into a comforting masterpiece; a poem!

Having just returned in December from a funeral of a dear loved one, losing a cousin, and praying for the loved ones who were experiencing illness and hospitalization; pain was showing how colorful it can be and what disguises it takes. Both of these recent losses left behind grieving spouses, children, and loved ones; left to question how to move on and where to start.

What The Poet did not know at the time was that I immediately knew God sent him to me to relay a message to me, and when I read his poem, I was yet again reminded of God’s unwavering love for us. That’s when I was reminded of 2 Timothy 2:7:

“Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything.”

These are very confusing and troubling times that we live in, and often times what is happening in our lives do NOT make any sense at all. Often times what we see as an error or glitch in the system, isn’t that; but a notification (or signal) to come back to God on conversation, shift your mindset immediately to Him and meditate on clarity.

Logic is not the answer in most situations we face in life. Confusion is often dismissed as a burden, but the clarity we are supposed to seek is in fact the lesson. The pain, loss, anger, frustration may not pass in your desired likeness, but it will. Not that The Poet had the answers, or he wasn’t still affected by his loss.

But in the midst of his confusion and loss, he drew closer and was obedient to God’s requests. It wasn’t comfortable or convenient for him (as he expressed to me), in turn he used his gift in a special way.

Stay Blessed!

-Jenn

Overlooking the Rockefeller Observation Deck during sunset. 

Boosting Your Creativity

Over the past two weeks I have been MIA. For those unfamiliar with the acronym, that stands for “missing in action”. I wasn’t actually missing, but mentally I had to honor rest and recuperation, it only makes for better content when my mind is renewed (as it does for anyone for that matter).

Last week was filled with visits from family, traditional work, and I fell ill to some pre-school bug I likely picked up from my toddler. The second week was more or less a week carved out for myself. I took some time to read two incredible books; mainly to reboot my current day thinking and elevate my thoughts (major key!).

 The first book was by Bishop T. D. Jakes, who I marvel and respect. His perspective and approach to ministering the word is awesome. I think I primarily gravitate towards his work and books so often because they help me break down things I do not understand, he generously offers motivation and reminders I need to continue pursuing my purpose, and lastly, he helps to inspire me to be a better Christian. Basically rounds me out in areas that build me and cultivates a better woman in me.

The second book I read was by Charlemagne Tha God. This was a no-brainer for me to read because I appreciate his candor, humor, and honest takes on life. The way in which he shares his story while giving very clear and concise ways to approach your dreams and purpose was on point! I could not have needed more of a boost during these times, because like many new entrepreneurs, I have hit many potholes and climbed quite a few mountains; and I still am. However, his words rang true to my story personally (even if they didn’t I would have read this book). Over the years, I lean to hear advice that does not make me “feel good”, but to whip me into shape. His book did that for me, and it also reminded me how important my dreams are.

Speaking of whipping myself into shape, after my reading was complete, I decided to fast. Some people fast for many different reasons. Some are for religious purposes, others for medical reasons. This time I needed to purge. My creativity was low. My dreams were vivid at night, but when I awoke, I was drained and groggy. Not sure if it was all of the cold medicine, daylight savings time, or the weather. Either way, I had to pick up the pace (I got frustrated not having the energy to write. That’s my love.).

Now, as a type 1 diabetic that sounds a little sketchy and downright unsafe to fast, but I have done this before in the past intermittently. There are tons of different ways to fast. This time around I took the approach to first do a detox in the form of a cucumber, parsley, lemon, and water mix. It wasn’t the worst thing I have tried, and to be honest, it cleaned me right out. I also got a free sample of a detox from GNC and that did the trick (if you know what I mean!). The second approach was water water water, 24/7 (stay close to the bathroom because your bladder will love you later for this one.)! Then I eliminated all alcohol, not even a glass of wine. That helped also, especially to beat the grogginess and it’s an energy sucker if you’re not a morning person such as me.

Not that it was the hardest task to complete; I knew I would pack on some weight because I would crave carbs (which I did terribly). I broke down and ate more carbs than normal, and I finally cut that by replacing rice with riced cauliflower and broccoli. It wasn’t the most satisfying replacement at first, but it had to be done. So technically, I made some immediate lifestyle changes with my diet to match the way my mind was progressing. In Charlemagne’s book he talks about improving his diet and cutting old habits to become more focused and prepared for his destiny. Well, truth be told, I decided to be the change I wanted to see, not just what I remembered myself to be (which was 20lbs lighter lol!).

Old habits die hard, and let me be the first to say, being busy is not an excuse. Being sick is not an excuse. Most certainly, being unprepared is the worst reason to not make the necessary changes I NEEDED to have come into fruition.

Resetting my body to function and perform the way I need it to is imperative for me to stay proactive and creative. So now I’m proud to say that waking up doesn’t feel like a “task”. I’m more energetic and aware of what my body is saying and needing. The scale still says one thing, but as the days progress, I stick with my fast. I remind myself that I’m still eliminating toxins in my body and toxic thoughts along with it.

As a type 1 diabetic, I like many other chronic disease sufferers; I battle my bouts of depression (which is very toxic). Feeling sorry for myself used to be so frustrating and difficult to comprehend. For starters, I used to despise needing someone to help me or take care of me because of my health. Now, I know when to ask for help. I can still be stubborn about it; I am definitely less prideful and consider what is best for me before my ego. Another major change that has helped with eliminating those toxic thoughts is replacing them with positive thoughts. For me, that has been the word. That’s where ministry comes into play for me. Getting my daily and multiple doses of biblical word, audio sermons, daily affirmations and devotionals has filled voids in my life where the world simply cannot.

By no means do I think I have the answers in my back pocket for life’s woes and trials; but I do have my handy bible app that supplies that word for me when the world and my mind are playing viscous tricks on me to believe otherwise.  I do understand this about myself very clearly; I know the image in which I was created, I am a Queen, and my purpose is my blessing. I also believe the same about everyone as well.

So as a takeaway from this post, try a few things (familiar and unfamiliar) to boost your creativity:

• Check your wellness. Are you tired? Have you been eating right? Are your more or less emotional? Whatever the differences are, try to identify what they may be and write down some probable solutions and desired outcomes. Do not just sit on them because you have deadlines and other things to do. Your health is certainly your wealth!

• Examine some of your routines. Making time to do things that break away from your daily routines is also important. To much the surprise, not all new activities cost a lot of money. Taking a day-cation to drive to a local city you have never visited is new and can change your perspective. Check out an art gallery nearby. Perhaps volunteer with a local organization, or even pick up a new hobby. Anything that gives you a fresh set of eyes in my opinion is worth trying.

• Listen to your thinking. We often hear ourselves, ego, conscious (whatever you may call it) constantly in our minds; almost like white noise. However, there are constants that we hear and fail to address. If you hear the same repetitive message being recited in your mind during specific occurrences or when you are at certain places, you may want to decipher those messages and make sure that they are healthy messages. Not everything we tell ourselves is fact, and frankly some of the things going on in our heads is harmful to our growth. What impedes on your growth is bound to affect your creativity; and overall mental state of mind.

• Lastly, give yourself a break! For the average man and woman, hustle and bustle may be what the world says we have to do; but what do you do for yourself when you get burned out? Do you rush to happy hour and drink it away? Are you becoming a workaholic? Have you called your loved ones or friends lately? Have you even gotten a good night’s rest? Well, we fall victim to these patterns of not giving ourselves a break; may be not in those exact forms, but you get the picture. It’s okay to be stellar, but even the most successful people take vacations and lay their hair down from time to time to regroup. Now a trip to San Tropez may not be affordable for me right now (lol), but a 3-4day cruise may suffice with my family, just to get away. It’s all in how you define it, but whatever you do, make time to do so.

Now go forth and create with your beautiful self!

Taking Risks

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the challenges we continue to face have something to do with our ability to take risks and resist the temptation to settle for safety; the comfort zone. I respect a good resting place, but one doesn’t simply rest without contemplating about how it would be if they left that level of comfort and convenience. Which got me thinking; if I continue to routinely operate within comfort zones, I will not know how to rise up when the comfort fades away, nor will I be capable of embracing growth in uncomfortable situations.

I have always noticed that the trials and tribulations that come against me are also a part of the design for my life to become stronger, more resilient, persevere, and rest in His word. However, choices that present themselves to me are chosen based on two factors:

1. Did I pray on this? If not, I refrain from calling several people to pick their brain about my choices; it’s not that other people don’t have good suggestions or answers, but I have learned to listen more clearly to what He has to say first.

2. Is the choice difficult to make because I have not sought guidance? So what I mean by this is; am I feeling pushed, shoved, or confused, and what is the urgency behind the decision. It says, “For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace”- 1 Corinthians 14:33. My interpretation of this scripture is that He is not going to rough me up mentally about making a decision. That’s just not who He is. He walks with you, holds your hand, guides you…all with love.

Coming to the realization that I have made some bad choices because I neglected my two steps (perhaps to escape accountability if I made the wrong decision), and that I was not trusting in God enough to take risks. Yup, the awful truth is, taking risks is about trusting. Not in ourselves, but in Him and Him alone! The author we cannot see, the creator, the glorious; He who is within us, completes us.

I was watching television the other day and a young lady was on a popular show, discussing how she came from nothing and how some of the issues she is facing in life are a result of that lifestyle/upbringing. She further went on to explain why she did not further herself in certain areas (school, career, relationships and etc.), and why it was more practical to stay where she was until something else turned itself around in her life.

What struck me was her ability to point out the issues, see the areas she wanted to make changes in,and still doubt her ability to attack the problem. All of this was dependent on her wanting to see a turnaround in another area of need in her life. I can relate. I’ve made that same assumption about making moves in my own life. Especially career decisions. A lot of the excuses I made for not pursuing for my dream jobs were because I did not feel I had the educational credentials to go for it. Then the next excuse was it was too far. Some other excuses I made were that I wouldn’t have free time for my personal life, the list grew and grew.

Basically for every good choice that I could have made, I limited my growth because I created an invisible box to dwell within that had to have just the right temperature and settings for me to thrive in. That’s crazy. Simply remaining in one spot our entire lives without any change occurring is impossible. I mean, yes you can live and dwell in your hometown, but eventually you’re going to have to move about. Change routines, meet new people, try something new. But, are we as open to more risky changes, than those slight changes? Probably not, and that is where the paradigm shift needs to change. It just does!

Not for one second would I say taking more risks is comfortable, but let’s paint a picture worth seeing for a moment. What if the young lady I mentioned would take what she already had, and expanded on it? What if she sacrificed more time? Drove a little further, sacrifice enjoying the extras for a little while to build wealth? What if? What if she said, “You know what, God you already know where I come from and what I am capable of—but better yet, I know to whom I belong and what you are capable of is greater than me!”.

 He’s not planting these “ways out”, gifts, blessings, lessons in our lives without direction. We are capable of taking the risks, but why aren’t we? Well that’s something we should ask ourselves when confronted with our next decision. We can trust Him and His plans are for your good, not to harm you. So take a risk. You want to find out what it feels like to do what you love, try it; put forth the effort to experience laughter, love, pleasure, success, failure. All of it is worth the risk because your life’s blessings depend on it and trusting God will assure the rest.

Changes To The Appointment

I would consider myself a pretty well organized person. I have my schedule book, phone apps, sticky notes and more to keep me on track with what I need to get accomplished throughout the week; and still with all of the moving parts, change occurs with or without my permission. That is to be expected. Recently I made an appointment to get my hair done in New York City, and I like to get in and out on my weekends when I go to larger cities because of traffic; so for the most part I like to schedule my appointments as early as possible. In this case, I requested 7AM. I know, I know…that’s like crack of dawn early to be getting your hair done, but I just wanted to have the remainder of the day to spend with my family, and do as please with my time.

Well, appointment reminders were sent out, and my requested time was moved to 10AM. Three hours later than I originally wanted, but nonetheless, I had a scheduled time (this hair stylist is pretty popular and a major deal so I’m not arguing). However, it got me thinking about what God’s time and my little hair appointment had to do with one another. Everything.

As much as I’d hate to admit it, I sometimes think I have the logistical part down-packed to a science—and all of the other foolishness I think I can rely on God to handle; you know the stuff I can’t seem to figure out and the things that pull on my emotions. Yeah, I am guilty of leaving the heavy-lifting up to Him while I act like I have control elsewhere (the nerve). There is no right way of admit that, but hey, it’s the first step to recovery! I think that a lot of the time we do have “everything figured out”, until there is a “change”. Then what?

Now I could have read my email, with my new confirmed hair appointment time, and been upset or disappointed about it. I mean, I do hold my time as a valuable factor in my life, and I’m sure the stylist does too (which she explains quite well as to why there were changes to individual appointments). However, after careful reconsideration, there were many “pluses” to having a 10AM appointment instead of 7AM. For starters, who needs to wake up on a Saturday at 4:45AM, just to get ready and drive into the city, find parking, blah blah blah. It’s honestly a form of abuse now that I really think it through. No one is asking for me to put these pressures on myself. It’s never that serious.

Even when I wasn’t looking out for my best interest, God was and is. The reason why I’m focusing on that aspect of the matter is because too often we can find ourselves removing Him bit-by-bit from every equation, when in fact He is the catalyst of it all. Yes, something as trivial as a hair appointment, I found a way to notice Him moving and shaping my attitude, patience, and reaction to change. I’d be foolish to believe I had any ounce of control in the matter. From my safety traveling to and from, to the weather, or current events; I have no idea what He may be protecting me from (or reserving for me), but my outlook is that of a positive stance because everything that happens is for my good (Romans 8:28).

So today, with all that is happening around us, in the world, at work, with our children, sports, marriages, health…let’s take an opportunity to recognize the changes that take place and not twist it into something negative and unexplainable. The orchestration of lives still should have Him at the very center of it all, and whatever changes to your appointment, know He is in control.

Growth: Good Seed, Bad Ground

Some things are self-explanatory. Clear to see. However, I’m definitely guilty of trying to make certain things work out in my life that just aren’t going to; and for obvious reasons. I have spent hours working on problems, years mending, months mulling over specifics. Ultimately, a good seed won’t grow in bad ground.

Now I would never say I have a green thumb, I usually can only keep house-plants alive, but here’s the thing…the seeds will grow roots where there is good nourishment. I compare many of my ideas to a seed. Something that was planted in my mind and/or heart (which I believe are jewels and blessings meant to be acted upon), I try my best to consider it as an importance nonetheless. And, with great effort, I try to make things “work”. That’s where things get tricky. Like most, sometimes I’m 100% full-force, steam ahead, confident, and not lacking any doubt that God will provide the idea and make a way. Other times I fall victim to thoughts of self-reliance, and that not only clouds my judgement and decision making and problem-solving skills, it can harden the soil necessary to make the blessing flourish.

In this day in age one thing I have noticed about the mentality being adopted is embodying more individuality and less dependency on God. More climbing the latter, less sending the elevator down. More telling everyone the success, less sharing the testimony. More giving the universe, people, and everything else a shout out for your glory, less giving it to God. The list goes on and on, it’s not surprising to see more and more of. With that, what also looks like others in getting ahead of you in, they may be getting setup to fall behind in.

As of January of this year, I turned 33 years old. I went to a HBCU, joined the military simultaneously, met hundreds of people, and traveled many places over that time. One thing that stood out to me was how well everyone seemed to be doing in college and the military. In college, by my senior year I had second thoughts about seriously pursuing a career in my concentration of Biology. I ended up falling in love, getting married, and making an executive decision to quit college. Yup! I dropped out my senior year (you don’t want to know the bill). Following that decision, I explored every odd job there was that may have interested me. I worked as a hotel desk clerk, administrative assistant, retail sales employee, customer service agent for a cellphone company. You name it, I stayed with a job. I wasn’t too concerned about the dough per say, just wanted to get my feet wet and see what I wanted to do with my life—what made me happy. None of those jobs made me happy by the way. I ended up falling into the trap of thinking that the idea to drop out and work in multiple fields over the course of 3 years was a complete waste! That basically I had squandered opportunities, blamed myself for mistaking closed doors as open ones, condemning myself for making an irrational decision. Meanwhile, all of my peers had degrees and higher, went on to large corporations and other successfully designed employment structures; meanwhile I was feeling like a washed up used to be smart kinda girl.

By this time, Facebook was more than relevant. Every single move someone made was applauded by likes. Who in their right mind was going to “like” my tales of meeting my sales quota while I worked part-time? I dawned in me though, in one of the most interesting ways…something as simple as a phrase I heard my father say, “It’s all about how you get it. Everybody didn’t get what they have the right way.” From there, I basically shook my head in agreement. And, to tell the truth, most of what is shown by others—I didn’t desire “that” anyway. It was a personal responsibility of mine to start over, see where I missed the lesson, and tune into the understanding that the struggle was crafted for me because He couldn’t get through to me when it was easy to understand, and that I had to be faithful to what has already been given to me before more is delivered to me.

See, all of this time leading up to this realization, I had the notion that I missed a step. I apparently didn’t have enough popularity, or clout. My business ties and resources maybe were too thin. I second guessed everything, literally! Was I supposed to join some group, or keep in touch with certain people over the years? Could I have done something different? Of course hindsight is 20/20, but at the end of the day, this was about obedience. God made that extremely clear to me, because “my way” was not working. Out of all the millions of things that I have done wrong in life; the very thing that caused so much confusion in my life (suddenly dropping out of college), gave me the most experience, crafted understanding about what I wanted to do and be, and helped me to look at what I was growing my seed out of (it’s amazing how out of confusion the biggest lessons and blessings come about).

It has become very easy to compare ourselves via social media and in real life with our peers; now more than ever. We’ve caved in for likes instead. But everything that glitters isn’t always gold my friend (you know the saying). So I took my three year hiatus, and all of the kicking and screaming that came with it, and invested myself one more time into being a student. Yeah, I started school again. I went and learned Algebra A and B all over again at a local community college (I absolutely had no concept of math that I could comprehend. WHATSOEVER!), that was liberating because I passed both with B’s. Then I moved on to heavy-hitters like micro/macroeconomics (that almost killed my positive intentions altogether). Next, I took political science, another surprise to me because I did not know I would like a law formatted class (who knew). Once I wrapped up my accounting courses, I took the plunge, and took my talents to the bachelors program in Business Administration, two and a half years later—done!

It was like I blew the lid off of my own head so a second. I found every single academic weakness I had, made them stronger, and applied it to areas in my life. I still wasn’t sure where it would lead me to, but I remembered all of the times I was told that if I would just finish what I started, God would bless me. So what began to manifest was confidence within me, and the dots began to connect. The ground that the seed was planted in was being nourished by faith, and faith alone. My actions were the water reaching down into the roots. The months later, God was saying that I needed to keep going, and so I started the master’s program and finished 16 months later.

Overall, I can say this with confidence no that I have lived in the confusion or sorts…growth is being subservient. It has nothing to do with “you”. In fact, it has everything to do with how you treat your gift, how you manage and use your faith, and surrendering. All of the jewels dropped along this journey of life are the blessings, meant for “you”, due to your actions. So when we take it upon ourselves to take credit for the seed and ground in which it grew, we are not correct in doing so. The humility is no longer there, and award from the world has replace the reward from God—everlasting life.

So as we continue to go about our day today, take a minute to examine your ground in which the seed has been place. Have you watered your seed today with faithfulness and obedience? Are you expecting growth with no actions? Are we looking forward to awards of the world instead of the reward from God? They’re all important to ask ourselves so that we do not blindly press towards goals on our own effort, but with the assistance and guidance of the Lord.

Using Your Platform

Off the heels of a chaotic, and yet amazing week (yes both exist, depending on how you look at it); I have been very observative as of late. In all honestly some days I'm completely zoned out by the pace and rush of running errands, working, taking care of life itself. Other times I make it a priority to slowdown and reduce the noise a bit by listening more and talking less (which is rare for me!). However, after an amazing weekend at the Budweiser Made in America Festival in Philadelphia, I caught a bad cold from partying in the rain and reciting every Jay Z lyric Mr. Carter uttered. It was a weekend to remember, and yet somehow my calves were useless and my voice had abandoned me for at least 4 days. The days of bouncing back like a spring-chicken are clearly behind me, but was it worth it? Hell Yeah! (Pics are posted on my Instagram @D1VABET1C ). It was clear that my body needed to rest and recuperate.

So after making it through last week sick and tired (literally), the world continued to spin with or without me. Mother Nature had her own plans for disastrous hurricanes and massive earthquakes; and the country made every attempt to stay hopeful. 9/11 was remembered by millions, and the political food fight continued. Not to mention the police officers who were not charged for crimes they committed, and sports journalists who received backlash for simply being honest and candid. There were literally so many “what the fuck” moments (including the time where I almost went gorilla on a bus driver this week) that I couldn’t keep track, and my emotions were already running high as hell because it was that time of the month. I was not in the position to get distracted, but I couldn’t help but become angry, sad, sympathetic, lost, and prayerful all at the same time. My heart was crying for those who couldn’t, and it was really taking its toll on me. I’ve spoken to few people about these topics, and it seems to me, it has affected many people.

The stress of wanting to do more for others than myself was wearing on me. So in a frantic fashion I grabbed every shoe that wasn’t being worn, jacket, t-shirt, you name it. If it could be useful for someone else, I threw it in a trash bag and donated it to the American Red Cross. Then I found myself getting really fired up about the injustices of the world, because you know that hasn’t stopped either! So after deleting several jackasses from Facebook (you know the ones who have no political clout and basically stand behind everything that looks patriotic but are blatantly racist…), I wrote a lengthy post about Colin Kaepernick, and basically how hypocritical people are for not supporting him yet support they support the NFL. Then I switched gears and shared my worry and concern for my father for staying in Florida despite my pleas (he’s doing fine by the way…still no electric or running water though). Then back to my diabetes, supporting charities to help hurricane victims, and on to Jemele Hill! What a whirlwind we have all experienced in these past weeks.

As unsettling and disturbing this was, I didn’t want to slow down bringing awareness to these matters, but in my uproar I noticed more people were being silent. When people need a voice more than ever, so many people became silent. The social media feeds were still full of daily lively activities (as they should and to be expected), but the question begged to be answered, “If you were called upon, or had a platform large or small, would you use it for good?” Out of shear honesty, I don’t think many people would use it or want to use it for that reason. Sometimes it just feels like there are too many people not supporting any cause, and I’m know I’m being rhetorical by mentioning this, but is it going to take for something to happen to you personally to lift a finger or your voice? That is a real question we have to ask ourselves. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to that question, I know. However, we are attaching ourselves to people who show no interest of caring for anyone or anything but themselves. This is alarming, but can be solved.

What I discovered about myself in the midst of these issues in the world is that I care, but I need to have an outlet for my frustrations and disappointments surrounding these concerns. Otherwise I will find myself angry and unleashing on random people who don’t agree with my ideals and become more judgmental than I should be. And, that only perpetuates the pain more; not solve it. So a coworker of mine made a great point when I discussed this with her, she mentioned making it a priority to do the following:

1. Stay grounded in what you believe in. In my case that’s God. Whenever I find myself tripping really hard about things I cannot control or change immediately, I know that’s not Godly of me, and I need to refocus my heart and mind.

2. Be aware of what it is we are angry about. I wasn’t doing much of that. Instead I was tuning into the news, talk radio, or whatever outlet that continued to make me randomize my thoughts even more. Instead, forgetting what the hell it was that provoked emotion in the first place.

3. Find a cause and like-people that support that cause. I can blame it on age or my tolerance level, but I seldom have the patience for individuals who do not educate themselves on worldly issues. It actually bothers me to the core; which it should not do! So my coworkers makes an important point by suggesting to find others who feel the same way and are concentrated on issues that I also sympathize with and want to advocate for.

So before you rule out a music festival for a great environment to achieve advocating for rights, Made in America Festival was not only the best place to do so, but the city of Philadelphia hosted the best vibes and people to do it with. The city of brotherly love embraced all of its patrons, and encouraged people to be peaceful and loving, enjoy the music, libations, art, and culture. The hand fans that were passed out had messages of hope, and even the t-shirts and other paraphernalia had statements that not only defended those who could not speak for themselves, but in support of causes that should not go forgotten. It not only was a slightly selfish move on my part (my husband stayed home with the little one while I attended with a close type 1 diabetic friend of mine. We basically nursed each other back to health!), but my husband understood that a little weekend break was necessary for me as well as a healthy way to get my frustrations out while I supported multiple causes. I know that may not be as hardcore as some may think activism should be, but I imagine much can come from the attempt.

In the future however, I plan to take full advantage of the platforms God provides me to speak on issues and concerns within my community, and to defend what is right. We all play a visceral part in changes that we may not live to see take place in our lifetime.

Unapologetically Happy

First off, Happy Friday and Hello September! The summer has officially come and gone. The air is getting cooler, and fall approaches. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for all of the cliché fall favorites, and yes that includes pumpkin coffee!

2017 has been a year worth commending so far. Certainly there have been some trials along the way (like any other year full of growth and life lessons), but with those trials came a silver-lining, identifying what brings me happiness and how to maintain that happiness. As a wife and mother, I (like several other women) assume the responsibilities and role that satisfies my household and family; for my friends, I try to be as empathetic and supportive, and also to my extended family. To my clients, I also offer as much moral support and often times adopt the role as an empath towards them. We wear many hats in life, which goes without saying. Which can leave us burnt out; feeling unappreciated, isolated, unsettled, and unhappy; if we’re not careful to check ourselves and identify what is causing these feelings, it can manifest into us looking at a reflection we no longer can recognize.

There are moments when we completely enthrall ourselves into everything else other than our own happiness. For me, my epiphany about my state of happiness happened when I was face down in a breast MRI machine, listening to the knocking and sounds of magnets creating an image for the radiologist to see…praying they did not find breast cancer. My mind started racing. I asked myself so many questions during that 45 minute MRI. Was I proud of what I have done in my life so far? Would my daughter appreciate what I have done for her? Am I where I want to be in life—how much more do I want to accomplish? I want to travel still, I want to touch lives, and I still have so much more in me to give. It was one of the most honest moments I have had in a long time, and still the common denominator was my happiness.

I never would have admitted that I defined my happiness in accomplishments and accolades, but having been a member of the military where I received certificates of achievement and medals on a yearly basis, I’d be lying to say I didn’t. The realization that I associated those awards with happiness was disappointing to me. That isn’t why I’m on this earth. Yet the expectation was there to achieve those same awards years later, and the truth of the matter was that, that was unrealistic and would require for me to depend on someone else to recognize my efforts. Not only was that not healthy for my stress level, it took away from the real matter at hand; and that was that I had to appreciate myself (flaws and all) and where I am in life because the end hasn’t come yet, it’s just beginning.

When we take inventory over what’s the root or cause of this unhappiness, do not be surprised to see something we placed there ourselves. Yes we all come from various backgrounds and experiences in life, however making the broad stroke approach to not wait another single minute hour or day to change that outlook is completely up to us. So in an attempt to follow my own advice, after my breast MRI, I went home and created a new game plan for myself. “Operation Happiness”!

1. Meet and exceed my goals

2. Build a brand for myself by helping others

3. Use my knowledge (and expand my knowledge) to propel ideas to fuel my passions

4. Be healthy both mentally and physically

5. Be thankful, and become a better servant to God

6. Be a supportive and respectful wife

7. Be an active, mindful, strong, and conscious mother

8. Rise above my faults and past

These eight tasks on my list have been all but easy, but it was time to stop wishing and start doing! Happiness had officially become my priority, and it began to reveal itself to me unapologetically. The decision had been made. The fear of not amounting to my own expectations of myself, and lack of recognition was nothing for me to dwell on any longer. My ability to be there for others could not overshadow taking care of myself. The investments made had to be reciprocated. The days of being a doormat had to seize. Making excuses was also a no-no. If I don’t feel like doing something, simply because I cannot or if it’s not a wise decision, I back off and stop pushing—what’s for me will reveal itself and be far greater than my own expectations if I utilize my patience. I had to cut off relationships (or be cut off--whichever comes first shouldn't matter. If it's meant to be it will be. Don't be an egomaniac about it!) with people who are not contributing to your life, despite how difficult it is to do so (you’re going to lose some people along the way based on your inability to go back to your old ways. So don’t be surprised who falls off!). And finally, carve time and spaces to give yourself grace during these changes, and invest in a hobby or activity that brings you joy (getting your nails done doesn’t count).

Recently I have stopped pursuing my notion of happiness and began creating it for myself. Checking my ego at the door, trying new and creative things, making no assumptions about what life is supposed to give me, but rather reversing that idea, and seeing what I can contribute to life! So this Labor Day weekend, be safe, and be good to yourselves. Offer no regrets or explanations when it comes to your individual happiness, and push yourselves to make it your priority to create it.

Delay Is Not Denial

Well it's Monday!  For me, that means another traditional work week is on the rise, and I'm approaching it full force without giving up on my goals and dreams (trust me the struggle to keep a traditional gig is real). Nonetheless, I'm blessed! I'm gainfully employed, I have my health, my family and friends, and all of the tools I need to live a fulfilled life.

As many of you may know by now, I am a Type 1 Diabetic, which is a major focus in my life as far as my health is concerned. It has been an 11 year journey. I'm still learning so much about myself through it all, how to take better care of myself, and the technological advancements have given me so much more freedom to assume some normalcy in my life, and be an active mother, wife, family member, and friend. For that I'm forever thankful, and I'm also extremely thankful for visiting my very first blog D1VABET1C!  

I was influenced by so many experiences in my life to create this blog, and by sharing my journey in exchange to reach people who may (or may not) share similar experiences or views, but we all have something we know we need to accomplish in life. Yeah, I'm talking about that little voice that keeps causing you to create and dream bigger and bigger. If you've ever had a dream (not just a goal), you know who you are and I'm talking to you!

D1VABET1C is without a doubt my new baby. Yep. She's a baby that requires a lot of attention and nurturing, patience and hard work. Which in part is why rolling out and introducing this to everyone was so delayed. I didn't want my baby out in the world without the ability to be strong and well defined. Not perfection, but respect for my brand and in what format I wanted to be honest and candid with. The very aspect of my life that came under attack when trying to introduce my blog was my creative spark. There was a wave of insecurity and doubt (the enemy). I stopped writing, forgot my passion, took a hiatus...created excuses to not go forward with what inspired me most; which is the ability to live in a purpose which I knew was bigger than me but required of me (my God). All of the random Post-its hanging neatly in my office with topics of discussions-quotes-inspirational words, hundreds of notes jotted down in my personal journal, pieces of folded papers in books I've read and inside my glove compartment; all of this had to come together in one piece, one place. And that one place is now D1VABET1C!

It was literally a dream of mine that had to be birthed. Every distraction and setback led me to think that I shouldn't pursue writing fulltime, but every chance I ran away from it, it came running towards me. Now, I would say and describe D1VABET1C as best as I can without sounding scattered: It is a full combination of my love for myself (yes I believe in self-love and awareness of your self-esteem), as well as my diabetic status (which goes without saying, it's a serious part of my life as well). Not one in particular defines me most over the other, but it is an integral part of who I am, and I invite you all to relish the journey.

With that said, I honestly pushed blogging to the backburner. I downplayed the effects of it. Dismissing my focus behind creating and branding D1VABET1C. Yes I did. I stopped writing all together for 3 months or so (which was highly unusual for me at the time).  I completely threw myself into work, instead of making my gift (I consider writing one of my gifts because it is something I have loved to do most that gives me joy) work for me and digging deeper to express that.

Somehow I became complacent with sitting on my hands with working on the new blog. I justified the delay by addressing how "busy" I was by how much had to be done elsewhere in some other area of my life. Each 24 hour day that passed by I squandered it by not acting on my gift; as if I could get it back, the biggest lie I could tell myself. Simply put, it is easier to do nothing and function like a hard worker at the same time, than it was to actively work on what was meant for me to do (isn't it interesting how that works?). I call it being a "minimalist at best", and this behavior certainly says a lot about having fear of success, and that was something I was not trying to become comfortable with in my life.

So then one night it hit me like a ton of bricks while settling down after a long day at work. Like one of those aha moments that we often hear about some of the great thinkers and motivators having (chuckling because I always loved Oprah's facial expressions when she had an aha moment). As I became more aware of these moments, I would become frustrated with myself very quickly if things did not pan out as suggested or planned. I had to create a mantra for myself--"Delay Is Not Denial" was a saying of mine that I've valued for some time--and used it especially when I felt myself wanting to quit and walk away from what was calling me. My brief definition of that phrase is simple:

 "Just because there is some postponement behind the execution, does not mean you are being denied of anything."

This is why this mantra works for me; we all have realizations about what we want, but executing and articulating that into fruition is not easy, nor is it easy to believe that it is for us. Which brings me to the next set challenges I faced; so now I know what I want, I have delayed the process long enough, I'm moving along again with my vision, this isn't easy...but my mind won't let me rest until it is executed! What I have recognized about the "delay" part of the process is that it can have a significant impact on our ability to encourage ourselves and our motivational drive. Trust me, sometimes pushing ourselves is the very least we have to give. However, no matter what opposition is faced between the conception of your vision and the end goal, if there is execution on your part to fulfill it, it will manifest itself. Thinking about the plan and taking no action is not enough to manifest it. 

Ultimately, we have to take responsibility for creating and carving out our place here in the world, that is what I have found to be most challenging. I find that to be the challenge because it can look and feel so overwhelming to us. I would never suggest that the place that we all want to be is measured by square-footage, wealth, horsepower, and carat size. It may be for some, but for others it may translate to receiving gratitude, appreciation, comfort, clarity, or even closure. Regardless of that place, even when no one is giving us a step-by-step guide to get there, it is haunting to us all to make sure we get there at some point in our lives. I believe that when identifying our purposes in life (I do believe we have more than one purpose to fulfill as we all are multifaceted individuals), the purpose does not always require for us to look a particular way, sound or talk a certain way, or hyper-edit ourselves to assume perfection. The purpose magnetically attracts itself to those who can best communicate with others who understand, accept, and relate to where we are in life (so if you think you have to check all of the boxes off on your list to pursue your gift--stop it!).

So, as you join me on my journey I hope to express that there's absolutely nothing I would rather do more than to help maximize the thinking power, will power, and overall self-awareness in others'; so that they can start believing that their dreams are valid and those of which cannot be marginalized.