Two Years Without Facebook: Why I Did It

There was no great “ah hah” moment the day I said, “you know what?...I’m deleting my Facebook account!”. I did know one thing however, it was a major distraction and personal letdown.

I with only a few months left as an undergrad student, I worked fulltime for the government, commuted every day—2 hours or more, mother and wife; life was jam-packed with things to balance. I would arrive home, heat up some food, play with my baby girl, simultaneously flip through the channels, chit-chat with my hubby, text message occasionally, and most certainly checking my timeline on Facebook to see how crazy everyone else’s life is too.

Nothing about Facebook necessarily brought me joy, per se. It was only a means of checking in, so I thought. Seeing what everyone else was doing in their early 30’s; maybe to confirm or deny that I was doing something cool in life, or that I was on the right track. The occasional late night DM in my inbox would pop up, I would quickly delete and block, and my block list grew larger and larger. As a married woman I could only grow more uncomfortable as the same would happen to husband. Family members would gush about my family pictures, natural hair posts, career moves, and accomplishments; I even made my grandmother an account to keep her in the loop. In the middle of the day I would post how tired I was at work, post subliminal messages about people I could not stand (yes I fell into the pettiness once upon a time), secretly hated on  dreamy vacations pics, and drove myself half-crazy looking at ex-boyfriends’ pics and their new lives without me in it.

What was really going on here? How did the “old” Facebook go from needing a college email address to register and saying “hey check out my pics!” ,to everyone and their mama (literally) joining say “hey look at my open diary!”? It all seemed to be that my personal life was already full, but I found myselfmaking room for this “pet” of sorts. I gave it more attention than I did my bi-weekly manicure or deep conditioning treatment regimen. It was almost as if I had to feed it, bath it, groom it, clothe it…my profile was constantly changing, my pictures were being posted throughout the day, my “friend” count grew past 4k—and still I was not satisfied.

As a fulltime student, working towards a business administration degree online, I would post a status of my unaccomplished work rather than working on a 12 page APA format paper due in a few hours or so; and still check back in to see how many “likes” I received to validate my despair. Ugh. What a vicious cycle I was running. Even over date nights, after posting pictures of my beautifully plated meal and a quick selfie of my makeup being on fleek, I would gaze at my husband sitting there scrolling through his timeline as well, liking the very pictures that I just posted! What the hell was really happening here?

So here it goes, the truth—I was silently validating myself through Facebook. All of these 4k friends had full access to the life I wanted them to see. Truth was, no one knew about the arguments that had spewed from those inappropriate late night inbox messages from long lost exes, insecurities about my husband’s exes, envy and jealousy behind the trips I had not taken, wishes of having a child (which at the time my hubby and I were struggling to conceive for 6 six years), angry about the opinions people would post, confused about the relationships forged and portrayed, the list runs on and on. The nitty gritty truth was, I was giving life to nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of these things made my world go-round. That is when it hit me, this was not life at all, and it was a grand perception and front for what we all want our lives to look like.

So on January 12, 2015 I deleted my Facebook account, and never looked back. The date was never significant, I just could not stand to keep doing the same thing and expecting to see new results—that is insanity, right?

Literally, for the first 2 days I felt like I was on a fast. My mind was racing as I got ready for work the next day, not whipping out my iPhone to take a selfie in the car, in my most fabulous outfit that I once would have thought the entire world should see me in. As I pulled off in my car, and made my way to work, no longer did I have the luxury of posting how I was counting down the hours to go home with a cute meme to match. It was just me and my life, no one had a clue what I was embarking on, but I knew things would become more refreshing and true to thewoman I was striving to become, not just pretend to look like.

After a week, I was at ease, my anxiety to check my timeline had almost went away entirely. I knew when popular television shows would come on I would miss the blow-by-blow spoiler alerts, but I was okay with that. Instead, I curled up next to the man of my dreams and baby girl and watched it, in real time, without even glancing at my phone. My husband then decided to cut off his Facebook as well, and things got interesting. He and I were actually having conversations again about things that we did not see on our timelines. Instead of comparing what-with-what, we were making plans to go over our couples devotional, together! What I had not done before, which perhaps I could have, was look at my life and marvel at it. I was truly blessed. Everything that I had asked God for was granted to me, and the life that I wanted, I was living.

The facts were, I was capable of living my life out loud, but truthfully, it did not work with my personal and family dynamic. There was no quick hack for appreciating what I had, but once I purged Facebook from my life, things looked up and since then I have graduated—now in graduate school, I shed those pesky post pregnancy pounds, I no longer commute and work at my old job so I spend tons of free time with my daughter, and that spark has ignited into a flame between hubby and I, friendships and relationships are more organic and true, and that vacation we so desperately needed…we went to Mexico for 5 days! My bottom line was simple, I do not mind if my life does not “look” as colorful as others’, black and white is good enough for me, and apparently great for my life! One small area of change shifted. The distraction and letdown in my life into a clearer and more focused me, and the benefits from it were life changing.

Since, I have restored my Facebook account, all has been good. I’ve certainly made some changes, and I communicate less on Facebook than I do my Instagram account (a personal choice); but I have also given less care to what I once gave power to.

What is your personal experience with social media and has it affected your lifestyle?

I’d love to hear about your experiences.

Stay blessed! 

-Jenn

Self-Worth

I’ve had my fair share of self-worth evaluations, maybe more than I should have, but all in good faith I’m a deep thinker and I can get carried away with my own thoughts of what I think my life should be. Unfortunately for many of us pain, trauma, etc. are buried deep down underneath the surface and linger longer than they should. For me, I came up with an ingenious idea, I wasn’t going to address any of those burdensome thoughts (worst idea ever by the way). The way I pictured it was if I avoided digging deep into those cobwebs I’d be able to get through on my own, and that was the furthest thing from the truth.

Problemo numero uno, a lot of my self-worth was conditional upon achieving, recognition, unrealistic expectations,  and being way too hard on myself (does any of this sound familiar? If so STOP doing that!). Insecurities that were never tackled as a youth were expressing themselves in other ways as I grew as an adult, and that was not going to blend very well with learning how to manage a chronic disease.

Without warning, I fell ill. Within a month or two I had lost drastic weight, almost 20lbs. I suffered from extreme thirst, and was not feeling like myself. After repeat hospital visits to the emergency room, I was soon diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (I’m giving you the very short version for now). It was one of, if not the, most earth shattering day[s] of my life. I was going to be medically discharged from the military shortly after, and little did I know, I would fall into some serious depression.

Timing could not have been worse. I was handed a paper bag with my new diabetes medication and a referral slip to see an endocrinologist (an endo-what?!). Just like that, I was officially a Type 1 Diabetic at the tender age of 22. What was happening was completely out of control and I had to get my health under control and fast! I couldn’t wait for some miraculous event to happen in my life to cheer me up and give me life. I couldn’t place that weight on anyone else’s shoulders. This one was on me; and for all of those fast years of reckless abandonment, I needed God more than ever—my Savior.

Now at the time, it felt like the sky was falling right on top of my head. I was blessed to have the support of my husband who worked hard with my endocrinologist and dietitian to help me stick to a regimen that would get me back on track; but I was stubborn and extremely difficult to work with. I was flat out angry and felt so damn sorry for myself. Coping skills were nonexistent, and I earned myself the biggest crybaby award. Remember when I told you about those “things” buried deep down inside, well those “things” were coming up to the surface without any regard as to who or what was in the way.

One of the most difficult lessons that I had to learn was to disregard my expectations of what I believed my life was to become. Clearly life had something else in mind for me, and that was okay, I just had to get in line.

Not that I had to submit to my new diagnosis, it was humbling, and God was reshaping me from within a way unlike what I had in mind.

With each prick of the finger, multiple daily injections of insulin, and learning how to be a mathematician in order to eat; I began to see what God had for me in all of this despite my condition. My relationships with several people changed. The way in which I ate had to change for the rest of my life, especially if I had any plans on living a long life. I can go on and on about the multiple lifestyle changes that developed over the years, but without the recognition of what was lacking in my life (God), I truly believe I would have sunken into a darker place.

I was encouraged to write this for that person who hasn’t gotten that diagnosis or devastating news and is blindly living their life without God’s guidance. Don’t waste another minute of your life handicapping yourself by not addressing what is buried within, they are there for a reason and have a place. Those things that hurt you, concern you, change you...whatever “that” is, it is going to reveal itself one day. What I don’t want for you, is to have those things erupt without being on your terms. You may not be able to control the inevitable, but you can control what defines your self-worth.

In my case, I’m not particularly sure if my hard-headed self would have learned this any other way, but it’s no coincidence what God has done. All of those years spent omitting Him just to do as I please, shaping my resume instead of my spirituality, hitting the scene; I’m blessed I was able to see the day I was diagnosed, let alone today. You see, if God had not slowed me down, humbled me, and reveal to me the good bad and ugly, I’m absolutely sure I would be far more disappointed with my life. So no, I wouldn’t honestly change a thing.

I still have Type 1 Diabetes and I’m fine with that, it doesn’t have me (cliche but true). Yes some days are better than others, but that talk about trusting God to handle it all—yeah that really works. The more you work those spiritual muscles, what seems like the end of the world, will instead feel more weightless as trials come. And they will come.

God handles all things effortlessly, let Him do as such, no need to complicate things. Your self-worth is a beautiful reflection of what He made you to be, not by what happens to you.

Be Blessed!

-Jenn