Finding Clarity In the Midst of Confusion

Happy New Year to ALL, and I pray that you entered this 2018 with a new outlook on life and can achieve your goals (new or old)! I know there’s a lot of downplay about the “New Year new me” attitude that’s made for the new year, but if you feel a need for change, I say go for it! No need in holding back your growth in any way shape or form because it’s not popular. Change is inevitable and necessary…so do you unapologetically.

In recent days my 2018 has been off to a great start. I’m pacing myself more carefully. Carving out more time to enjoy my family and friends. Although I could make more time to hit the gym, but besides that, the things I prayed for are certainly coming to pass, which I’m eternally thankful for.

Earlier this week I was visited by stranger at work who is in his early 60’s and was in need of some assistance. Unfortunately the day that he arrived, we were unable to complete the necessary steps due to websites being down; so I asked him to come in the following day. Before he left, we spoke for at least an hour and I gave him more information about what we would be accomplishing the next time he came in and what I needed for him to provide me to better assist him.

He was grateful, and somehow we ended up discussing Christianity and what God has in store for us; the promise. The conversation was fluid, and I appreciated having God bless me with meeting him; he concurred.

Side note: It’s always amazing to me when you can really chop it up with someone who has a relationship with God. In my opinion it feels like I’m talking to a brother or sister. It’s like we know about a secret no one else knows about. The space in which we speak seems to develop its own energy. It just feels right and pleasing to God. All parties involved in this place of “energy” know the power behind the words and what it means to be able to confidently speak about His promises to us, and it’s an overall spiritually uplifting experience.  

Now, for privacy’s sake, I’ll name this gentleman “The Poet”. It suits him well and you’ll later find out why.

So the following day, The Poet came in as expected. As he carried his tethered 3-ring binder with hundreds of self-written copyrighted poems cased in plastic protector sleeves, I knew immediately he was serious about writing. Who knew?

He later began to explain to me that he would wake up in the middle of the night to jot down small lines, words, and phrases that came to him. He also expressed that he wasn’t sure why he was sharing any of this intimate information with me at all; other than having met me the day prior—he said I reminded him of Kerry Washington (now those were his words not mine…either way I’m flattered!).

The first poem that he invited me to read was printed over the opaque picture of a beautiful bright-eyed young lady. She was pictured holding a video game remote control, and had a huge smile. She couldn’t have been a day over 20 years of age in the photograph. In turquois blue lettering centered throughout the sheet was a poem. It was highlighting her short lived life, and how the Lord is there to comfort those who lost her too soon to a tragic gun related accident. She was young. The story he told me about her was heartbreaking. His poem was relieving and beautiful. No amount of words could take the pain away from the family who experienced this tragedy, but he said he was inspired by their pain to comfort them in some way and that this was what God delivered him to do.

Now at the time, he felt that it was not enough. This young lady that was taken was like a niece to him and his wife. There was now a void there that had to be filled, and he kept hearing God instruct him to write—pour his pain and the remedy of God’s love into a comforting masterpiece; a poem!

Having just returned in December from a funeral of a dear loved one, losing a cousin, and praying for the loved ones who were experiencing illness and hospitalization; pain was showing how colorful it can be and what disguises it takes. Both of these recent losses left behind grieving spouses, children, and loved ones; left to question how to move on and where to start.

What The Poet did not know at the time was that I immediately knew God sent him to me to relay a message to me, and when I read his poem, I was yet again reminded of God’s unwavering love for us. That’s when I was reminded of 2 Timothy 2:7:

“Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything.”

These are very confusing and troubling times that we live in, and often times what is happening in our lives do NOT make any sense at all. Often times what we see as an error or glitch in the system, isn’t that; but a notification (or signal) to come back to God on conversation, shift your mindset immediately to Him and meditate on clarity.

Logic is not the answer in most situations we face in life. Confusion is often dismissed as a burden, but the clarity we are supposed to seek is in fact the lesson. The pain, loss, anger, frustration may not pass in your desired likeness, but it will. Not that The Poet had the answers, or he wasn’t still affected by his loss.

But in the midst of his confusion and loss, he drew closer and was obedient to God’s requests. It wasn’t comfortable or convenient for him (as he expressed to me), in turn he used his gift in a special way.

Stay Blessed!

-Jenn

Overlooking the Rockefeller Observation Deck during sunset. 

Growth: Good Seed, Bad Ground

Some things are self-explanatory. Clear to see. However, I’m definitely guilty of trying to make certain things work out in my life that just aren’t going to; and for obvious reasons. I have spent hours working on problems, years mending, months mulling over specifics. Ultimately, a good seed won’t grow in bad ground.

Now I would never say I have a green thumb, I usually can only keep house-plants alive, but here’s the thing…the seeds will grow roots where there is good nourishment. I compare many of my ideas to a seed. Something that was planted in my mind and/or heart (which I believe are jewels and blessings meant to be acted upon), I try my best to consider it as an importance nonetheless. And, with great effort, I try to make things “work”. That’s where things get tricky. Like most, sometimes I’m 100% full-force, steam ahead, confident, and not lacking any doubt that God will provide the idea and make a way. Other times I fall victim to thoughts of self-reliance, and that not only clouds my judgement and decision making and problem-solving skills, it can harden the soil necessary to make the blessing flourish.

In this day in age one thing I have noticed about the mentality being adopted is embodying more individuality and less dependency on God. More climbing the latter, less sending the elevator down. More telling everyone the success, less sharing the testimony. More giving the universe, people, and everything else a shout out for your glory, less giving it to God. The list goes on and on, it’s not surprising to see more and more of. With that, what also looks like others in getting ahead of you in, they may be getting setup to fall behind in.

As of January of this year, I turned 33 years old. I went to a HBCU, joined the military simultaneously, met hundreds of people, and traveled many places over that time. One thing that stood out to me was how well everyone seemed to be doing in college and the military. In college, by my senior year I had second thoughts about seriously pursuing a career in my concentration of Biology. I ended up falling in love, getting married, and making an executive decision to quit college. Yup! I dropped out my senior year (you don’t want to know the bill). Following that decision, I explored every odd job there was that may have interested me. I worked as a hotel desk clerk, administrative assistant, retail sales employee, customer service agent for a cellphone company. You name it, I stayed with a job. I wasn’t too concerned about the dough per say, just wanted to get my feet wet and see what I wanted to do with my life—what made me happy. None of those jobs made me happy by the way. I ended up falling into the trap of thinking that the idea to drop out and work in multiple fields over the course of 3 years was a complete waste! That basically I had squandered opportunities, blamed myself for mistaking closed doors as open ones, condemning myself for making an irrational decision. Meanwhile, all of my peers had degrees and higher, went on to large corporations and other successfully designed employment structures; meanwhile I was feeling like a washed up used to be smart kinda girl.

By this time, Facebook was more than relevant. Every single move someone made was applauded by likes. Who in their right mind was going to “like” my tales of meeting my sales quota while I worked part-time? I dawned in me though, in one of the most interesting ways…something as simple as a phrase I heard my father say, “It’s all about how you get it. Everybody didn’t get what they have the right way.” From there, I basically shook my head in agreement. And, to tell the truth, most of what is shown by others—I didn’t desire “that” anyway. It was a personal responsibility of mine to start over, see where I missed the lesson, and tune into the understanding that the struggle was crafted for me because He couldn’t get through to me when it was easy to understand, and that I had to be faithful to what has already been given to me before more is delivered to me.

See, all of this time leading up to this realization, I had the notion that I missed a step. I apparently didn’t have enough popularity, or clout. My business ties and resources maybe were too thin. I second guessed everything, literally! Was I supposed to join some group, or keep in touch with certain people over the years? Could I have done something different? Of course hindsight is 20/20, but at the end of the day, this was about obedience. God made that extremely clear to me, because “my way” was not working. Out of all the millions of things that I have done wrong in life; the very thing that caused so much confusion in my life (suddenly dropping out of college), gave me the most experience, crafted understanding about what I wanted to do and be, and helped me to look at what I was growing my seed out of (it’s amazing how out of confusion the biggest lessons and blessings come about).

It has become very easy to compare ourselves via social media and in real life with our peers; now more than ever. We’ve caved in for likes instead. But everything that glitters isn’t always gold my friend (you know the saying). So I took my three year hiatus, and all of the kicking and screaming that came with it, and invested myself one more time into being a student. Yeah, I started school again. I went and learned Algebra A and B all over again at a local community college (I absolutely had no concept of math that I could comprehend. WHATSOEVER!), that was liberating because I passed both with B’s. Then I moved on to heavy-hitters like micro/macroeconomics (that almost killed my positive intentions altogether). Next, I took political science, another surprise to me because I did not know I would like a law formatted class (who knew). Once I wrapped up my accounting courses, I took the plunge, and took my talents to the bachelors program in Business Administration, two and a half years later—done!

It was like I blew the lid off of my own head so a second. I found every single academic weakness I had, made them stronger, and applied it to areas in my life. I still wasn’t sure where it would lead me to, but I remembered all of the times I was told that if I would just finish what I started, God would bless me. So what began to manifest was confidence within me, and the dots began to connect. The ground that the seed was planted in was being nourished by faith, and faith alone. My actions were the water reaching down into the roots. The months later, God was saying that I needed to keep going, and so I started the master’s program and finished 16 months later.

Overall, I can say this with confidence no that I have lived in the confusion or sorts…growth is being subservient. It has nothing to do with “you”. In fact, it has everything to do with how you treat your gift, how you manage and use your faith, and surrendering. All of the jewels dropped along this journey of life are the blessings, meant for “you”, due to your actions. So when we take it upon ourselves to take credit for the seed and ground in which it grew, we are not correct in doing so. The humility is no longer there, and award from the world has replace the reward from God—everlasting life.

So as we continue to go about our day today, take a minute to examine your ground in which the seed has been place. Have you watered your seed today with faithfulness and obedience? Are you expecting growth with no actions? Are we looking forward to awards of the world instead of the reward from God? They’re all important to ask ourselves so that we do not blindly press towards goals on our own effort, but with the assistance and guidance of the Lord.