Beauty for Ashes

As I pulled into the parking lot of my daughter’s school one cold January day, my cellphone was ringing—it was my husband—“Babe we got MacDill!” (one of our most highly sought after military installations to become stationed at). I could not believe it! This was “the base” of military bases to be assigned to; mainly because of the sun, bustling city of Tampa with its’ grand population of north-easterners (much like ourselves), amusement parks, powdery beaches, amazing culture and food; there was no doubt we were excited to call this place home in the months to come.

The wait was nerve wrecking leading up to the move, but nonetheless, we were game. Not even the slightest of disappointment could phase me at that point. I was moving to Florida boo! I’m all the way good, and no negativity was about to knock me off my natural high.

Thoughts of swimming after a long day, eating authentic Latino and Caribbean food, going on roller coasters, taking pictures with Mickey Mouse, driving to Miami, you name it; it all flooded my mind as I daydreamed day after day.

Even when I lived in other states across the nation, I always found the good in it. The adventure. Sadly, I’m not particularly sure why I struggled to experience “fun” in New Jersey, but it just didn’t hit all of the boxes for me. And, don’t get me wrong, New York and Philadelphia were both a hop-skip-jump away, but the state itself fell short on my list of excitement. What more can I say other than I’m extremely thankful for snow-days and the local farmers market.

So the day finally arrived. We were outta here! The packers came and packed our three bedroom home up in a day and a half. It was so odd that at some point that house felt pretty big, but now it felt more less like a tightly cramped closet. The moving truck was massive, cutting off traffic onto our street, and the movers hustled the huge crates and boxes onto the semitrailer. I practically didn’t look back at the house other than to show my daughter the cherry blossom tree that we think a bird planted by the water fountain I staged years prior when we first moved in; it had grown into a healthy 10 feet or taller tree by now. My daughter really had no other connection to the house, but she waved goodbye and that was that.

After 4 long gray winters in New Jersey, this was the breakthrough we know God had His hands all over. And, shortly after our arrival, Florida did not disappoint! It felt exactly like what it looked like in the magazines; sunny, sandy, blue skies, bright smiles, just an overall glow covers this area and it is amazing. The temperatures were just right, even though the locals warned us of the daily 5 o’clock rain (the hurricane season is upon us now) and increasing temps in the late summer; my family and I took to the culture easily. I’m not sure if it was the weather or how happy my family had become almost immediately upon arriving here, but my spirit was full.

We stayed in temporary lodging facility (TLF) for about 2 weeks. Now that part I was not a fan of, but it was temporary, and every single day I drove from city to city in search of a rental property that I found adequate enough to house all of our household goods, and that had a good-great school district for my daughter. Unfortunately, with such a high demand to be at MacDill AFB, and the increasing amount of newly stationed military members arriving throughout the summer, the housing waitlist was at an 11 month wait. There was absolutely no time to waste.

Everything we loved seem to fall through, and the mediocre properties were pending with other potential renters. I was over the idea of renting. The discouragement was beginning to set in, and my patience was running thin. I was doing a majority of the house hunting alone, but for good reason. My husband was busy getting back into the swing of things at his new office and in processing. This was the part of the balancing act that most military spouses do, that often get overlooked, but we play an integral part of the process as well.

Thankfully I abandoned the “house” renting idea, and switched to the apartment living concept for the sake of my sanity. Due to the horrific traffic (oh and it is just that, awful!), I branched only 5 miles away from base, and there you have it….we found a place.

There was an awesome move-in special and it was near restaurants I loved, what more to ask for! Basically the amenities sold me, and it was perfect for my husband’s commute and for me to find potential employment. With an 11 month wait to get base housing, this seemed to be the right choice—especially with our home goods on the way to be delivered soon.

May 4th, 2018. The day before the celebratory “Cinco de Mayo”was our delivery date. Dispatch had contacted us about the delivery of our home goods, and we had plans to spend the weekend unpacking and organizing to store a good portion of our belongings in a storage unit. My husband rented the U-Haul truck, and we patiently waited to see if the semitrailer was arriving. The two hour window of 10am-12pm came and went. We called dispatch and received no answer. This was highly unusual considering that the woman who handled all of the logistics was very responsive.

In my pondering, I was bored and tired of waiting so I decided to call my father. We talked about blessings and patience, and how we were thankful that we were closer in proximity now that we moved to Florida. The apartment was quite empty and echoed with every word we said. In the kitchen, I could hear my husband’s phone ringing and him starting a conversation. I ignored it because I was still in the middle of my conversation with my dad. Then I was interrupted by news that would change my perspective on life forever.

“Jenn I need to talk to you, it’s important”, my husband said to me through the halfway open door. I immediately got off the phone and asked him what was going on, and the look on his face was like nothing I have seen on him before. He then explained to me that the truck that was carrying all of our household goods had been involved in an accident and caught on fire. Nothing was salvageable and there was no police report. Just like that, all of a dream became dark. The sun was out but the clouds seemed to have rolled in quickly. Visions of all of my possessions, including my husbands and daughters possessions, going up in flames was playing over-and-over in my mind. All I could imagine was flames and heat consuming my life’s accomplishments and keepsakes. Nothing short of bad movie that I could not stop playing.

To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. Not for nothing, I distinctively knew my sadness had a place, but this was not the time to exercise those feelings. I also knew that I should not covet, and to do so is not what God wants for me to do. I literally was placed in the position to let things go without my permission. There was no sorting through my things, picking out what I wanted and did not want to keep. It was gone in a matter of minutes. The very thought of not seeing familiar pictures and holding my childhood memories was now my new reality.

The weeks went by. We were practically in regrouping mode. Everything that was lost was now a distant memory. A good friend suggested we setup a contribution pool, similar to Go Fund Me, so that we could quickly recoup the necessities. That was extremely helpful and allowed us to get back on our feet after the loss. All-in-all, it still felt surreal. The clutter that I once complained about, the toys that we in the way as I walked through the living room, the maternity photos that were in my daughter’s bathroom, the CDs I collected from my adolescence, and the yearbooks with well wishes were now minuscule in comparison to life itself.

Thankfully the driver was unharmed during the accident, and so were my family and I. We were not in the vehicle, only our belongings. The perspective that I prayed to view this from was to take on the incident, manifest the positive aspects of it, and in spite of all of the tings that were lost, those “things” were just that...things. Without any doubt I know God was control, and our resilience fueled our faith in Him more now than ever before. There’s something about being stripped of everything that is sobering and leaves you vulnerable. That enabled us, and it allowed us to see the situation from a different scope. Isaiah 61:3 (NLT) reads:

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give you a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.”

Nothing Satan tried could break that promise that God made to us (all of us), because of all the “things” the world has to offer, God will always supplement and give us more than what we deserve. He most definitely was my strength and my salvation during and after the storm. And, in no time during that storm did I ask Him to get rid of the storm. In fact, I asked for Him to walk me through it. I’m imperfect in many ways, and this has never happened to me but I knew he’d be my comfort when I felt all was hopeless.

When I reflect on the circumstance, it was a revelation of sorts for my family and I. Only can God take anyone from losing everything, to being in a state of thanksgiving. From what I thought was the “good” part of my life, to preparing me for what is very likely to be the “best” part of my life. The blessings are flowing, and they are coming in so many different forms that I cannot help but be thankful to God and those He has used to bless us as well.

Throughout this process I have been open to sharing my testimony (my story), taking my time to come back to my brand, blog, and give you all the honest story of how my life has been shaped as of late. I completely took a step back to let go of the fear of reliving the loss publicly, but the secretiveness was not what was intended for my story, it is the part of me that cannot be undone, and that I am forever thankful for.

I will continue to share my story with you, and thank you for your support and for being patient with me. 

Blessings! 

-Jenn

Self-Worth

I’ve had my fair share of self-worth evaluations, maybe more than I should have, but all in good faith I’m a deep thinker and I can get carried away with my own thoughts of what I think my life should be. Unfortunately for many of us pain, trauma, etc. are buried deep down underneath the surface and linger longer than they should. For me, I came up with an ingenious idea, I wasn’t going to address any of those burdensome thoughts (worst idea ever by the way). The way I pictured it was if I avoided digging deep into those cobwebs I’d be able to get through on my own, and that was the furthest thing from the truth.

Problemo numero uno, a lot of my self-worth was conditional upon achieving, recognition, unrealistic expectations,  and being way too hard on myself (does any of this sound familiar? If so STOP doing that!). Insecurities that were never tackled as a youth were expressing themselves in other ways as I grew as an adult, and that was not going to blend very well with learning how to manage a chronic disease.

Without warning, I fell ill. Within a month or two I had lost drastic weight, almost 20lbs. I suffered from extreme thirst, and was not feeling like myself. After repeat hospital visits to the emergency room, I was soon diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (I’m giving you the very short version for now). It was one of, if not the, most earth shattering day[s] of my life. I was going to be medically discharged from the military shortly after, and little did I know, I would fall into some serious depression.

Timing could not have been worse. I was handed a paper bag with my new diabetes medication and a referral slip to see an endocrinologist (an endo-what?!). Just like that, I was officially a Type 1 Diabetic at the tender age of 22. What was happening was completely out of control and I had to get my health under control and fast! I couldn’t wait for some miraculous event to happen in my life to cheer me up and give me life. I couldn’t place that weight on anyone else’s shoulders. This one was on me; and for all of those fast years of reckless abandonment, I needed God more than ever—my Savior.

Now at the time, it felt like the sky was falling right on top of my head. I was blessed to have the support of my husband who worked hard with my endocrinologist and dietitian to help me stick to a regimen that would get me back on track; but I was stubborn and extremely difficult to work with. I was flat out angry and felt so damn sorry for myself. Coping skills were nonexistent, and I earned myself the biggest crybaby award. Remember when I told you about those “things” buried deep down inside, well those “things” were coming up to the surface without any regard as to who or what was in the way.

One of the most difficult lessons that I had to learn was to disregard my expectations of what I believed my life was to become. Clearly life had something else in mind for me, and that was okay, I just had to get in line.

Not that I had to submit to my new diagnosis, it was humbling, and God was reshaping me from within a way unlike what I had in mind.

With each prick of the finger, multiple daily injections of insulin, and learning how to be a mathematician in order to eat; I began to see what God had for me in all of this despite my condition. My relationships with several people changed. The way in which I ate had to change for the rest of my life, especially if I had any plans on living a long life. I can go on and on about the multiple lifestyle changes that developed over the years, but without the recognition of what was lacking in my life (God), I truly believe I would have sunken into a darker place.

I was encouraged to write this for that person who hasn’t gotten that diagnosis or devastating news and is blindly living their life without God’s guidance. Don’t waste another minute of your life handicapping yourself by not addressing what is buried within, they are there for a reason and have a place. Those things that hurt you, concern you, change you...whatever “that” is, it is going to reveal itself one day. What I don’t want for you, is to have those things erupt without being on your terms. You may not be able to control the inevitable, but you can control what defines your self-worth.

In my case, I’m not particularly sure if my hard-headed self would have learned this any other way, but it’s no coincidence what God has done. All of those years spent omitting Him just to do as I please, shaping my resume instead of my spirituality, hitting the scene; I’m blessed I was able to see the day I was diagnosed, let alone today. You see, if God had not slowed me down, humbled me, and reveal to me the good bad and ugly, I’m absolutely sure I would be far more disappointed with my life. So no, I wouldn’t honestly change a thing.

I still have Type 1 Diabetes and I’m fine with that, it doesn’t have me (cliche but true). Yes some days are better than others, but that talk about trusting God to handle it all—yeah that really works. The more you work those spiritual muscles, what seems like the end of the world, will instead feel more weightless as trials come. And they will come.

God handles all things effortlessly, let Him do as such, no need to complicate things. Your self-worth is a beautiful reflection of what He made you to be, not by what happens to you.

Be Blessed!

-Jenn

Taking Risks

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the challenges we continue to face have something to do with our ability to take risks and resist the temptation to settle for safety; the comfort zone. I respect a good resting place, but one doesn’t simply rest without contemplating about how it would be if they left that level of comfort and convenience. Which got me thinking; if I continue to routinely operate within comfort zones, I will not know how to rise up when the comfort fades away, nor will I be capable of embracing growth in uncomfortable situations.

I have always noticed that the trials and tribulations that come against me are also a part of the design for my life to become stronger, more resilient, persevere, and rest in His word. However, choices that present themselves to me are chosen based on two factors:

1. Did I pray on this? If not, I refrain from calling several people to pick their brain about my choices; it’s not that other people don’t have good suggestions or answers, but I have learned to listen more clearly to what He has to say first.

2. Is the choice difficult to make because I have not sought guidance? So what I mean by this is; am I feeling pushed, shoved, or confused, and what is the urgency behind the decision. It says, “For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace”- 1 Corinthians 14:33. My interpretation of this scripture is that He is not going to rough me up mentally about making a decision. That’s just not who He is. He walks with you, holds your hand, guides you…all with love.

Coming to the realization that I have made some bad choices because I neglected my two steps (perhaps to escape accountability if I made the wrong decision), and that I was not trusting in God enough to take risks. Yup, the awful truth is, taking risks is about trusting. Not in ourselves, but in Him and Him alone! The author we cannot see, the creator, the glorious; He who is within us, completes us.

I was watching television the other day and a young lady was on a popular show, discussing how she came from nothing and how some of the issues she is facing in life are a result of that lifestyle/upbringing. She further went on to explain why she did not further herself in certain areas (school, career, relationships and etc.), and why it was more practical to stay where she was until something else turned itself around in her life.

What struck me was her ability to point out the issues, see the areas she wanted to make changes in,and still doubt her ability to attack the problem. All of this was dependent on her wanting to see a turnaround in another area of need in her life. I can relate. I’ve made that same assumption about making moves in my own life. Especially career decisions. A lot of the excuses I made for not pursuing for my dream jobs were because I did not feel I had the educational credentials to go for it. Then the next excuse was it was too far. Some other excuses I made were that I wouldn’t have free time for my personal life, the list grew and grew.

Basically for every good choice that I could have made, I limited my growth because I created an invisible box to dwell within that had to have just the right temperature and settings for me to thrive in. That’s crazy. Simply remaining in one spot our entire lives without any change occurring is impossible. I mean, yes you can live and dwell in your hometown, but eventually you’re going to have to move about. Change routines, meet new people, try something new. But, are we as open to more risky changes, than those slight changes? Probably not, and that is where the paradigm shift needs to change. It just does!

Not for one second would I say taking more risks is comfortable, but let’s paint a picture worth seeing for a moment. What if the young lady I mentioned would take what she already had, and expanded on it? What if she sacrificed more time? Drove a little further, sacrifice enjoying the extras for a little while to build wealth? What if? What if she said, “You know what, God you already know where I come from and what I am capable of—but better yet, I know to whom I belong and what you are capable of is greater than me!”.

 He’s not planting these “ways out”, gifts, blessings, lessons in our lives without direction. We are capable of taking the risks, but why aren’t we? Well that’s something we should ask ourselves when confronted with our next decision. We can trust Him and His plans are for your good, not to harm you. So take a risk. You want to find out what it feels like to do what you love, try it; put forth the effort to experience laughter, love, pleasure, success, failure. All of it is worth the risk because your life’s blessings depend on it and trusting God will assure the rest.

Changes To The Appointment

I would consider myself a pretty well organized person. I have my schedule book, phone apps, sticky notes and more to keep me on track with what I need to get accomplished throughout the week; and still with all of the moving parts, change occurs with or without my permission. That is to be expected. Recently I made an appointment to get my hair done in New York City, and I like to get in and out on my weekends when I go to larger cities because of traffic; so for the most part I like to schedule my appointments as early as possible. In this case, I requested 7AM. I know, I know…that’s like crack of dawn early to be getting your hair done, but I just wanted to have the remainder of the day to spend with my family, and do as please with my time.

Well, appointment reminders were sent out, and my requested time was moved to 10AM. Three hours later than I originally wanted, but nonetheless, I had a scheduled time (this hair stylist is pretty popular and a major deal so I’m not arguing). However, it got me thinking about what God’s time and my little hair appointment had to do with one another. Everything.

As much as I’d hate to admit it, I sometimes think I have the logistical part down-packed to a science—and all of the other foolishness I think I can rely on God to handle; you know the stuff I can’t seem to figure out and the things that pull on my emotions. Yeah, I am guilty of leaving the heavy-lifting up to Him while I act like I have control elsewhere (the nerve). There is no right way of admit that, but hey, it’s the first step to recovery! I think that a lot of the time we do have “everything figured out”, until there is a “change”. Then what?

Now I could have read my email, with my new confirmed hair appointment time, and been upset or disappointed about it. I mean, I do hold my time as a valuable factor in my life, and I’m sure the stylist does too (which she explains quite well as to why there were changes to individual appointments). However, after careful reconsideration, there were many “pluses” to having a 10AM appointment instead of 7AM. For starters, who needs to wake up on a Saturday at 4:45AM, just to get ready and drive into the city, find parking, blah blah blah. It’s honestly a form of abuse now that I really think it through. No one is asking for me to put these pressures on myself. It’s never that serious.

Even when I wasn’t looking out for my best interest, God was and is. The reason why I’m focusing on that aspect of the matter is because too often we can find ourselves removing Him bit-by-bit from every equation, when in fact He is the catalyst of it all. Yes, something as trivial as a hair appointment, I found a way to notice Him moving and shaping my attitude, patience, and reaction to change. I’d be foolish to believe I had any ounce of control in the matter. From my safety traveling to and from, to the weather, or current events; I have no idea what He may be protecting me from (or reserving for me), but my outlook is that of a positive stance because everything that happens is for my good (Romans 8:28).

So today, with all that is happening around us, in the world, at work, with our children, sports, marriages, health…let’s take an opportunity to recognize the changes that take place and not twist it into something negative and unexplainable. The orchestration of lives still should have Him at the very center of it all, and whatever changes to your appointment, know He is in control.

Growth: Good Seed, Bad Ground

Some things are self-explanatory. Clear to see. However, I’m definitely guilty of trying to make certain things work out in my life that just aren’t going to; and for obvious reasons. I have spent hours working on problems, years mending, months mulling over specifics. Ultimately, a good seed won’t grow in bad ground.

Now I would never say I have a green thumb, I usually can only keep house-plants alive, but here’s the thing…the seeds will grow roots where there is good nourishment. I compare many of my ideas to a seed. Something that was planted in my mind and/or heart (which I believe are jewels and blessings meant to be acted upon), I try my best to consider it as an importance nonetheless. And, with great effort, I try to make things “work”. That’s where things get tricky. Like most, sometimes I’m 100% full-force, steam ahead, confident, and not lacking any doubt that God will provide the idea and make a way. Other times I fall victim to thoughts of self-reliance, and that not only clouds my judgement and decision making and problem-solving skills, it can harden the soil necessary to make the blessing flourish.

In this day in age one thing I have noticed about the mentality being adopted is embodying more individuality and less dependency on God. More climbing the latter, less sending the elevator down. More telling everyone the success, less sharing the testimony. More giving the universe, people, and everything else a shout out for your glory, less giving it to God. The list goes on and on, it’s not surprising to see more and more of. With that, what also looks like others in getting ahead of you in, they may be getting setup to fall behind in.

As of January of this year, I turned 33 years old. I went to a HBCU, joined the military simultaneously, met hundreds of people, and traveled many places over that time. One thing that stood out to me was how well everyone seemed to be doing in college and the military. In college, by my senior year I had second thoughts about seriously pursuing a career in my concentration of Biology. I ended up falling in love, getting married, and making an executive decision to quit college. Yup! I dropped out my senior year (you don’t want to know the bill). Following that decision, I explored every odd job there was that may have interested me. I worked as a hotel desk clerk, administrative assistant, retail sales employee, customer service agent for a cellphone company. You name it, I stayed with a job. I wasn’t too concerned about the dough per say, just wanted to get my feet wet and see what I wanted to do with my life—what made me happy. None of those jobs made me happy by the way. I ended up falling into the trap of thinking that the idea to drop out and work in multiple fields over the course of 3 years was a complete waste! That basically I had squandered opportunities, blamed myself for mistaking closed doors as open ones, condemning myself for making an irrational decision. Meanwhile, all of my peers had degrees and higher, went on to large corporations and other successfully designed employment structures; meanwhile I was feeling like a washed up used to be smart kinda girl.

By this time, Facebook was more than relevant. Every single move someone made was applauded by likes. Who in their right mind was going to “like” my tales of meeting my sales quota while I worked part-time? I dawned in me though, in one of the most interesting ways…something as simple as a phrase I heard my father say, “It’s all about how you get it. Everybody didn’t get what they have the right way.” From there, I basically shook my head in agreement. And, to tell the truth, most of what is shown by others—I didn’t desire “that” anyway. It was a personal responsibility of mine to start over, see where I missed the lesson, and tune into the understanding that the struggle was crafted for me because He couldn’t get through to me when it was easy to understand, and that I had to be faithful to what has already been given to me before more is delivered to me.

See, all of this time leading up to this realization, I had the notion that I missed a step. I apparently didn’t have enough popularity, or clout. My business ties and resources maybe were too thin. I second guessed everything, literally! Was I supposed to join some group, or keep in touch with certain people over the years? Could I have done something different? Of course hindsight is 20/20, but at the end of the day, this was about obedience. God made that extremely clear to me, because “my way” was not working. Out of all the millions of things that I have done wrong in life; the very thing that caused so much confusion in my life (suddenly dropping out of college), gave me the most experience, crafted understanding about what I wanted to do and be, and helped me to look at what I was growing my seed out of (it’s amazing how out of confusion the biggest lessons and blessings come about).

It has become very easy to compare ourselves via social media and in real life with our peers; now more than ever. We’ve caved in for likes instead. But everything that glitters isn’t always gold my friend (you know the saying). So I took my three year hiatus, and all of the kicking and screaming that came with it, and invested myself one more time into being a student. Yeah, I started school again. I went and learned Algebra A and B all over again at a local community college (I absolutely had no concept of math that I could comprehend. WHATSOEVER!), that was liberating because I passed both with B’s. Then I moved on to heavy-hitters like micro/macroeconomics (that almost killed my positive intentions altogether). Next, I took political science, another surprise to me because I did not know I would like a law formatted class (who knew). Once I wrapped up my accounting courses, I took the plunge, and took my talents to the bachelors program in Business Administration, two and a half years later—done!

It was like I blew the lid off of my own head so a second. I found every single academic weakness I had, made them stronger, and applied it to areas in my life. I still wasn’t sure where it would lead me to, but I remembered all of the times I was told that if I would just finish what I started, God would bless me. So what began to manifest was confidence within me, and the dots began to connect. The ground that the seed was planted in was being nourished by faith, and faith alone. My actions were the water reaching down into the roots. The months later, God was saying that I needed to keep going, and so I started the master’s program and finished 16 months later.

Overall, I can say this with confidence no that I have lived in the confusion or sorts…growth is being subservient. It has nothing to do with “you”. In fact, it has everything to do with how you treat your gift, how you manage and use your faith, and surrendering. All of the jewels dropped along this journey of life are the blessings, meant for “you”, due to your actions. So when we take it upon ourselves to take credit for the seed and ground in which it grew, we are not correct in doing so. The humility is no longer there, and award from the world has replace the reward from God—everlasting life.

So as we continue to go about our day today, take a minute to examine your ground in which the seed has been place. Have you watered your seed today with faithfulness and obedience? Are you expecting growth with no actions? Are we looking forward to awards of the world instead of the reward from God? They’re all important to ask ourselves so that we do not blindly press towards goals on our own effort, but with the assistance and guidance of the Lord.